This is a toughy.

A friend, and momma of two, kind of inspired me to post this.  Holla, Han! ;)  She doesn't just post the good stuff.  I do.  I need to remember the struggles.  Why?  It makes the triumphs THAT much more important to the heart.  So, here it is.  Balls in.

I have issues.  WHAT, you say?! ;)  Just kidding.  Many of you know I do.  Others hear it from others, and when you hear it from others, it seems like I'm just a crazy.  I promise, thats not the case...always. :)

Before I go into some of those issues, I want everyone to know, that I know everyone has issues.  I know there are people out there who have it far, far worse than I have had it.  I know this.  But if everyone dealt with things the same way, we wouldn't have suicides, depression, sour relationships.  We wouldn't learn from one another.  And that's what this is for me.  I am learning.  I've always been a writer.  For me, it comes out better on paper, er, on the web in this case.  It's almost an escape; a way to vent.  Not all of you will agree with this; some of you will say, this isn't the place.  Well, for now, it is for me.

Relationships are hard.  ANY kind.  That's what I grew up seeing.  It was always the one side I saw, perceiving the situation to be the other person's fault.  And now that I'm a mother, I know there are always two sides to every story.  Not one person is always wrong, nor right, but it's what they do to change that counts.  The hardest relationship I have right now is with my mom.  That status is, well, non-existant almost.  It hurts me.  Some people say I should let go, others totally get it.  I am, well, bi-polar about the situation.  One day I'm ok with moving on, the other, I want to light the world on fire with me pissed off-ness.  Just ask my husband.  My poor husband.  I take him on this emotional rollercoaster with me, and I am so very thankful he put his seatbelt on....for now.  He listens to every single bitch, lets me cry every single tear, and I am so very thankful for that.  But I am also angry that he doesn't really understand.  Side note:  I know he never will.  Because HE didn't, and isn't still going through it.  But he tries, until I just drive him crazy.  And then my next emotional day, he tries again.  I love him, and I don't say it enough.

Please know, that my mom isn't the worst mom in the world.  Far from it.  But there have been things said and done, and things still being said and done, that just stretch my heart as far as it can go.  It doesn't break, because I have to keep it together for my kids, even though some days it seems like I can't keep it together.  We had a roof over our head and food on the table.  Thankful.  She didn't pay for my wedding dress, like she said she had done.  Hurtful.  Even more hurtful when it was a month before my wedding.  Especially when I would see photos of her on FB, partying with kids I graduated with.  Really?  It made my stomach turn.  Where are my siblings?  Home, being monitored by my 15 year old sister?  How is that fair?  She should be the one causing trouble.  It happened over, and over, and...over.  Puke.  And when my wedding day came and went, I felt like it wasn't about me.  Especially when she didn't send out the shower invitations when she said she did.  Especially because she didn't stay for the the whole thing.  Thats what mom's do though, right?  Stay.  But she left, with friends, to go bar hopping.  The next dat, we opened gifts.  I invited her, and she had to work.  Come to find out, she was at a basketball tourney watching someone play, instead of celebrating with me. This someone I hadn't heard the best things about.  And now they have a child together.  Devon and I planned Mason.  And I can remember when I was pregnant with Alyvia and how awful some family had made me feel because we weren't married.  I was preached and preached to about so many things to NOT do, and then she ended up pregnant with someone closer to my age, and wasn't married.  While I was pregnant with my son.  Who wants to share that time with a mom who ended up in such an irresponsible state of life?  Not me.  I was angry.  I still am.  I know this is not the baby's fault.  Nor is it even a fault.  It's a...circumstance, right?  Or something that just happened, right?  But I am so angry!  That time was supposed to me about me, and MY family.  She had her time.  I couldn't even be as happy as I wanted to be.  This...baby daddy...I just didn't hear any good things about him, nor did she TRY to even introduce him to me.  He was her "friend" the ONE time I saw him at Bdubs, when he proceeded to say, "Hey I'm...(nameless because I don't want to create more drama), your Mom's friend. We met at a party, she crashed on my couch."  At this point I wasn't pregnant, so I knew she wasn't either.  We had babies on the same day, as far as I'm told.  It's just a hard, hard thing to accept.  Not the baby, but the circumstance.  How irresponsible she's been for the past 5 years.  Another BIG thing, was when I went to school.  I had to stay up there, even though I BEGGED TO COME HOME.  I hated it.  I had to stay because she said she was paying for it.  Well, that was a lie, because 2 years later, I found out my loans were in default.  Enter flames from ears here.  W T F.  This has caused SO many problems for MY family.  $10,000.  I HAD to dig myself out of that hole.  And am just seeing results, 2 more years later.  Oh, you can bet your ass I will be angry about that for the rest of my life.