Getting Better at Feeling Better.

You've heard me mention my good friend Han in a few of my posts.  Well, she has inspired me yet again to help me to just feel better. I downloaded this totally cool app on my phone today, from the website youversion.com.  It has all kinds of different devotionals and plans you can follow, and plans out so many days for you to accompish them.  Today, I began Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind devotional. It is over the course of 14 days, and everyday includes a new lesson.  Today's was called Well-Laid plans.  It fit right in to everything that has happened the past 36 hours with the house we are hopefully still going to own. 

A man committed adultry and begged his wife for forgiveness, and while doing so, he had said, "I never planed for an affair to happen.  I was unfaithful to you before I ever committed adultery."  He began to explain how busy their lives were together, leaving next to NO time for each other, neither of them really listening to each other about anything (good or bad days at work for example), and lack of emotional response to one another.  He then chose to have a co-worker comfort him, leading him to feel important, and thinking that she was fulfilling what was missing. His thoughts became self-centered, and unholy.  If we don't kick them out, they stay.  And evil will provoke destructive plans.

Our choice is here.

Whether or not we allow these wrong thoughts into our heads.  In reality, our thoughts do control our lives.  These thoughts of let's say, failure of something, for example, become "stuck" in our lifestyle, making the home for these thoughts, our mind.  Stop.  Stop planning out every detail, of every scenerio possible.  Stop letting your enemy lay these plans into your head, as if the destructive thoughts belong there.  They don't.  Not everything will always go our way.  That is ok.  Life is trial and error.  It is a learning process; a journey.  The bricks will be laid, (like our possible home), but that doesn't mean there wont be obstacles.  Our attitude towards these struggles makes all the difference.

"For the weapons of our welfare are mighty before God.  We refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud lofty thing that sets itself up against the true knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ..."

I am crying out for a victory, no matter where our path takes us *even if right now, deep in my heart I feel this is our home, I know where we end up is where we're supposed to be.

Rekindling my Faith.

It always seems to be that every bad week I have, everything that could make it worse, does.  My husband is currently in his 34th hour of a 108 hour work week.  108 hours in six days, actually.  When I saw that on his schedule, I cried.  I buried my face in the pillow and cried.  Not within 30 seconds did I then feel guilty about being upset.  HE HAS A JOB.  But, I was still sad.  He misses so much.  I know one day it will all be worth it, but we have been saying that for five years now.

Today was another day where I just "felt" like something else would go wrong.  I had talked to our lender this morning about our appraisal being scheduled for Friday, and we discussed possibly needing to extend our closing .date because USDA is so backed up right now. That was ok with me; more time to be prepared.  Then as I was shutting down my computer at work, I got the phone call saying that something had popped up on my credit that made my score go down.  I had been making payments as agreed, and it had NEVER been on my credit report before.  It wasn't there when she had originally pre-approved us either.  The underwriter had pulled our credit just to make sure it was still ok.  NOPE. I frantically called whomever I needed to call, and paid my remainding balance, still confused as to why it had all of a sudden been reported.  Now, we wait 7-15 days to get a letter of satisfaction, and have my credit re-ran.  You bet your ass I will not be waiting that long.  I have fought and fought and fought to get my credit repaired, when most of the reasons it sucked were NOT my fault.  And now this?  I bawled all the way home.

More than once, I have said to others that this house has been smooth sailing; no bullshit with the banks, it passed inspection, the owners fixed what needed to be and our lender has been on top of it.  I knew deep in my heart that something would come up and test our patience and faith.

Faith.  That is such a BIG word.  Such a committment.  I've been trying to figure out and establish my relationship with the Big Guy for the past year or so.  What is it that I want need to believe in?  I believe that your relationship with Jesus is one of your own.  Most churches are hypocritical, being the first to judge.  I do not feel at home there.  Me praying, in tears, either in the shower or in the car - me begging Him to help me through this, help me realize what my purpose is, what is important, what I need to do to make things happen and satisfy him- THAT to me is personal.  The type of relationship it should be.  I have succeeded and failed at all of those.  The best thing about it, is He knows.  He already knows we are going to struggle.  He paves a path, but doesn't promise us it will be easy.  So far, this home has been easy.  I knew better than to think it would be the entire 4-6 weeks we were in-contract.  Not that it isn't fair; it's learning that you cant have control over everything.  It's realizing, hey - I can do this.  We can do this with the strength HE gives ME.  US.  My family.  We learn to use our faith to help us through these struggles.  I need to be more faithful to my faith.  With my husbands work; accepting that it is ok for me to be upset when he isn't here, but embracing the time he is.

And FYI Satan: This is our home, where I will remember, HE made this possible, with both the struggles and triumphs.

Reassurance.

Don't we all need it?  Sometimes, at least?  I need to know what I am doing is the right thing to do; I need to know the changes I've made for myself and my family were right.  I have days where things just seem like they aren't getting better.  I was a young, young mom.  19.  Sometimes, I just need to know that I'm making the life that is needed for my kids.

A lot of the reassurance isn't immediate.  That's my problem.  I need instant gratification, which I know is a ridiculous expectation.  However, I still want it.  Is that bad?  Is it just me, who feels like patience is our enemy?  The only way you gain it is by God testing it, and I hate that.  That sounds so selfish, but it's true.

Today, I got a little reassurance.  From co-workers.  Devon drove up to the my office, which is by the airport, after a 24 hour shift at the firehouse.  Yep, no sleep, again.  But he did it.  He bought flowers and a card, and delivered them himself on our anniversary.  And still they sit on my desk, frankly because I want to show them off.  The card reads, 'I Am Proud of Us'.  Reassrance, number one.  About a half hour ago, two co-workers were at my desk talking "work talk", and the girl asked about the flowers; I gave her the story ^above, and she looks at me and says, "You got it together.  You are so organized, hard working and a good mom.  Hell, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow.  I still don't know."  The guy followed suit and said, "That's true.  She's a good example."  THAT.  That right there gave me more reassurance.  Alyvia was being such a booger at the dinner table last night, and after LITERALLY 100 times of asking her to eat, I lost my cool.  I yelled; I told her I'd smack her butt if she didn't start to listen.  And I probably said THAT 100 times too.  And this morning, I felt bad.  You were not being so hot as a Mom last night, Meg. UGH.

Then you  know what?  That little girl woke up this morning with her Daddy, all smiles, gave me a kiss and I left for work.  She knows I love her.  And when those two co-workers said those words to me, reassuring me without knowing it themselves that they were doing so, I smiled.

Happiness vs. Success.

I have done a lot, probably more than I should, of thinking about what is the difference between the two.  Are they the same?  Do you develop one from the other?  Is money happiness?  Does being successful mean having lots of spending money?  My conclusion: who the hell knows.  We all measure it differently; however, this is what I've learned.

Number one; my family makes me happy.  I am happy being a mom, and being a wife (most days) ;).
Money makes things easier.  Life easier.
I am not a high maintenance person.  Just ask my hubs.  It drives him crazy sometimes how cheap (?) I can be.
The financial decisions we've made up until now have lead us to being homeowners.  Having a home of our own makes me happy.
I agree, in a sense, that having money means you are successful.  BUT - seeing someone love what they do and not get paid what they should first hand, has made me realize that isn't always the case.  Devon kicks ass at his job.  He is good at what he does.  That to me is being successful, as well.
Donald Trump is also successful, but can be an ass.  So can my husband.
I want to teach my children to be YOU.  Yes, they will follow trends.  Yes, they will want things.  But they need to know that there is more to life than that chanel purse, or Air Jordan's.  Devon and I will do what we can, but we need to say no.  I am a sucker for my kids.  This will be more challenging for me (I think).

I think we all define it on our own.  Depending on what it important to you, or what kind of person you are.  We all have different perspectives; but that doesn't mean that either of us are wrong or right.  It is hard in this material world to say material things aren't the most important.  And I want my kids to have memories of us doing happy things together, versus buying expensive things together.  It is amazing how much being a parent can change you.  It changed me.  In the best way possible.

Goals of a Future Homeowner.

Homeowner. Hoome-owwwnerrrr. Somebody who owns a home.  It is such a BIG thing.  30 years; 360 freakin' months.  I will tell you, we got a steal.  Well, we haven't got it yet, but we're almost there.

I am a thinker/planner/OCD-er.  Like, seriously.  I plan which walls I wanted painted a certain color.  I visualize where I want to hang pictures, shelves, art.  I determine what colors I want my curtains.  Hell, we already picked out our carpet and tile.  Oh See Dee.  It gets a little ridiculous sometimes; but I'd rather care too much that not enough ;)

A shit ton of money will be going into this house, so I want to do it right.  I want things to look nice, comfortable, and well-taken care of.  I have a list of 'do good' goals I want to accomplish too.

Like... Recycle.  I need a recycle bin.  I want to get the kids involved in it; they can learn to seperate/match.
Have pretty flower beds.  I am not saying they'll be perfect, but I want it to look put together at least.  Hmmm, what color flowers?  Have to think about that one.
A decent looking yard.  Mowing it when it needs to be for goodness sake.
Keep up with an "here's everything everyone is doing this month" calendar.  On the fridge.  Possibly with dry erase paint, or I may buy one from Mpix.
A smell-good house.  That's the first thing everyone notices when they walk in.  Must. smell. good.
I HATE CLUTTER.  Hate it.  TOYS in BASEMENT.  Which is FINISHED.  Praise Jesus.

And before I get out of control, I'm going to stop now.

2 years ago...

This upcoming weekend is our t w o year wedding anniversary.  June 19th, 2010.  I cannot believe it's been two years already; but, in a sense, it feels like we've been together for twenty.  Maybe because we've known each other for 15 years; maybe because we have been through SO much; regardless, we're still together.

Third grade.  "Dating" in Middle School.  Dating other people in high school, but still making time for each other, in the most random ways possible.  One hellatious year spent away from each other while I was away at school.  Moving in with him.  An unexpected pregnancy two months later.  A beautiful baby girl a year and a half in.  Married a year and a half later.  Second baby bump in October 2011.  Jobs lost and gained.  Our monkey boy joined us in July 2011.  Finance struggles, family struggles, and many, MANY disagreements later, we are currently in-contract with our first home, and will (hopefully) be in the third weekend of July.  It hasn't been "rainbows and butterflies", that is for sure, but he is my soulmate.  I can 100% say I have NO idea where I would be if it weren't for him.  Babe, I know you hate this kinda thing I do - writing all the mushy gushy stuff - but, you also know I do it anyway ;)  You are a huge pain in the ass, but make me laugh all the time, and most importantly, when I need it the most.  You are more of a Dad to our children than I could have ever hoped for.  You put up with my crazy, bi-polar ass on a daily basis.  You aren't afraid to tell me when to shut up and to take a chill pill, or when to tell me I am just plain insane.  But you also remind me every day that we have come so, SO far and I have more to be thankful for than I do to be afraid of.  I love you for who you are, and for what you've done for me.  Forever.

One of those moments.

Elf is on.  Christmas in June.  It is one of our favorites; specifically, one of my daughter's favorites.  I'm watching her more than I'm watching the movie and I cannot get over how I created this; her.  She is...something.  That is for sure.  It's also reminding me, that I do understand why some people, specifically family members, would get angry with me because of publicly being honest with what has been going on in my life lately.  Well, going on in my life, my whole life.  I get it.  I get that they may look at it with a different perspective than I do, or the rest of the world does.  And I honestly apologize for making them feel that way. 

However, I do not apologize for my feelings.  The difference between me and "them" is that.  Instead of saying, or even asking, how I have EVER felt about anthing that has gone on in my life, "they" jump the gun and defend who has been defended their whole life. I have said this before, because it is 100% the truth, my intentions are not to make anyone feel like crap.  Worthless.  Because I know what that does feel like.  I could not imagine making my daughter (or son) feel the way I have, and still do to this very moment.  I know I will do things they wont agree with, I will do things that they get extremely angry about; but this is more than that for me.

I don't even want a pity party.  I want a simple, 'you have every right to feel that way', or 'I am sorry you feel that way'.  Just, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.  Yes, that is what I want need.  And, by the grace of God, I want change.  A true attempt at change.  I know, though, that probably will not happen.  So don't expect me to just "let go" today; it took time for me to realize why I feel this way.  Why I am the way I am.  So letting go will take time, too.

A big family.

When I was in the, ehhhh, sixth or seventh grade, my mom remarried.  Right before that, I was told I had a little brother on the way.  I remember the burning sensation doing down my neck.  I was so nervous.  You see, my then "step-dad" had three children of his own, and my mom, three of her own.  Six of us, every Wednesday, every other weekend, and most of the summer, all living in the same 3 bedroom house.  I knew we struggled financially.  I knew, too, that they always found ways to make it work.  But I also knew, that adding another baby, was going to make it harder.  Seven kids, two adults.  Cars were repoed, moves were made, cars were driven in neautral to school the last mile or so because we couldnt get gas that day; I even remember heating the house with the stove a few times.  It was hard.  This does not mean that I didnt have anything.  I had clothes, food, a tv, and a bed.  I know some people live in a cardboard box.  I would never wish that, on anyone.  But I can just remember feeling the tension in the air..."How are we going to make it through this month?!"

If you went to school with me then, you knew how chaotic our house was!  On the good days, I loved it.  And I loved my little brother as if he were my own.  He was my entire world.  We lived in a huge farmhouse which was rented, and yes, I DID have my own room!  I knew in my heart that the only good that would come out of their relationship was my brother.  And that was ok with me.  But I also knew, my mom would get hurt.  I was so angry when she would get hurt, and I wanted to badly to just tell her the same thing I told her before; just leave him.  My brother, sister and I were treated a lot differently than he treated his own kids.  Which in a sense, I understand.  But I was rarely allowed to do anything.  A 15 year old girl wants to go to the movies with her boyfriend, go to basketball games with friends; but the decisions, about anything, were never "left up to" my mom.  Another emotionally abusive relationship.  She had to quit her job, and honestly, it was because he was the one doing wrong and wanted her to feel guilty about something, no matter what it was.  I wasnt allowed to go to prom, my brother got the wrath of his anger a lot, and the night the phone rang with someone on the line, finally giving my mom confirmation to leave, we were all relieved.  It meant another move, it meant more tears, but it also meant maybe we could try to start fresh, again.  The same old story came after this; they tried to work it out within that year or two, but I was not having it.  I knew how it would turn out anyway.  He made everyone in that house feel uncomfortable, and it was time to put us first.

In despite of their unhealthy relationship, I loved having a big family, most of the time.  You always had someone, even if it was just to have an arguement with.  I missed that when we didnt see each other much anymore.  But it made me want that.  It made me want to have a big, loving family of my own.  The screams, the laughs, the sporting events; the cookouts, the midnight movies together all scrunched together in a little room.  I want that.  I want the experiences I have shared, and those I havent, to be reasons for me to be better.  I want to be a better parent, to a big family of my own.  I think I'm doing ok so far.  I have my bad days; my very, very bad days.  I have to remind myself that my feelings are not their fault, and to use it as motivation to give them the best.  My kids have been my saving grace.  I may not be the best every day, but they save me.  I hope they know that every single day of their life.  I would be a mess if I didn't have them, or their phenomenal father.  I would be exactly who I hated if I didnt have any of them.  Life is about learning, if you stop learning, you stop living.  One day, I will learn to be able to let go and just be.  One day, I will look back and say, this all helped me.  I am almost there, but some days will be better than others.  Just know, I will be better.

The Power of an Apology.

I am a product of divorce.  Two of them.  And half you you reading this probably are too.  Doesn't that make you sick to your stomach?  This society is losing sight of all morals ever established.

Yesterday was my little sister's graduation.  Something I can't believe came and went.  She will do great things, and I hope she runs with them and does what SHE wants.  That event kind of triggered these posts.  I stood in the kitchen looking at photos, begging myself not to cry because I didnt want to take the spotlight off of her day.  Those pictures captured smiles.  And a lot of those pictures I could bring back to life in my thoughts.  Our old, hyper lab Maddy.  Photos of her softball games with her missing teeth.  Photos of my wedding.  Photos of her friends.  I beat myself up all the time for not being a better sister.  I wish I could have done things different.  I wish I would have known how to do things different, but none of us did.  Between my mom working all the time to pay for sports that we wanted to play and us being in and out of the house playing those sports, it almost seemed like there wasn't time to be taught how to deal with anger and frustration.  How to deal with sadness and fear.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was in third grade. It almost seems like a movie.  I remember trying to distract my sister as things were being moved out, so she wouldn't understand like I did.  At that time, I just knew things were not good with Mommy and Daddy and we were going to try to start over, with them trying to share us.  But when you see your Mom crying, is that really what you want?  Do you want her to share you with someone who seems to be making her so upset?  I didn't.  I wanted my mom.  But deep in my heart, I wanted Dad too.  The next few years were crazy.  They tried to work it out, more than once.  I really think deep down they wanted a family, but knew that communication was a huge barrier, and so was trust.  They both had a lot of baggage.  Mom had me at 17, so growing up was a must.  Who has time to work on themselves though when you have a child to take care of?  You just want a family for them, and the rest will come along, right?  One of the last happy memories I have was going to Kings Island, with the both of them.  I was in the 5th grade and they let me take my "boyfriend".  Everyone had so much fun.  But you can't keep pushing things under the rug.  Eventually someone will have too much dust to put under there.  There was abuse.  Both ends.  Emotional and Physical.  I remember begging my mom to leave him.  I just knew that it wasnt going to work, as much as any of us wanted it to.  So, they divorced, and I chose to not have a relationship with my dad.  There is a lot of meat that I should go in place of this sentence, but it would take years for me to explain why.  I knew he had anger issues, and I just wanted to be there for my mom.  And I was.  For 18 years.

It wasnt until Christmas Eve of 2010 that I called my Dad to say I wanted to come to Christmas Eve.  And I did.  I called Devon as I was in the shower, asking him what he thought.  And then I eventually said, can you just say I support you and push me to go?  He did.  I was just 2 or so months pregnant, and Alyvia went with me too.  I took the annual letter that I always right, which broke the news that he was going to be a grandpa of 2.  This was the same day he met his first grandkid.  I am sure it was a lot for him to take in, I could see it in his face.  The next time we went over, I took Dev.  He never met him before that.  I was so nervous because he and my dad are so much the same; they say what they think and dont think twice about it.  Right off the bat, my Dad apologized.  I never heard that from him before, as far as I could remember.  He admitted he made mistakes; he admitted he should have been there; he explained why he wasn't, but acknowledged more than once that if he could have done it again, he would.  From that moment to this day, he has not done one thing to hurt me, or most importantly, my family.  He has not lied, he has not bailed on me, he has not ditched my kids because he was afraid he'd feel uncomfortable with the other people at the birthday party.  This is something I have prayed about my entire life, and for whatever reason, that Christmas Eve, a step was taken in the right direction.  I know we cannot make up for the time lost.  The little girl inside of me wishes we could.  I see Devon and Alyvia bond every day almost, and I wish I could have experienced that.  But before I get mad, the only thing I remember is the apology.  Not but's, no it wasn't my fault...just an I'm sorry.  That made the difference.

If you ask my husband, he will tell you that I do not apologize when I'm wrong.  In five years, I have whole heartedly apologized maybe 10 times.  That means, without an excuse.  A whole hearted apology does not include an excuse, especially when that excuse is something to make YOU feel better about the mistakes YOU made.  THIS is my BIGGEST struggle right now.  I wish I had the balls to publically post some of the text messages that have been exchanged between me and my mom.  People say, "you can forgive other people, but cant forgive your Mom?!"  I will tell you, every single apology Ive been given, about ANYTHING, not just the things in my recent post, has always had a BUT.  And has ALWAYS been in a text.  Or has been something along the lines of... "I have apologized before Megan."  No.  But that is what I want; no, that is what I need in order to move on in some way.  Recognition of what was wrong, and that I am allowed to hurt.  You see?  That is the difference.  It's pretty powerful.

This is a toughy.

A friend, and momma of two, kind of inspired me to post this.  Holla, Han! ;)  She doesn't just post the good stuff.  I do.  I need to remember the struggles.  Why?  It makes the triumphs THAT much more important to the heart.  So, here it is.  Balls in.

I have issues.  WHAT, you say?! ;)  Just kidding.  Many of you know I do.  Others hear it from others, and when you hear it from others, it seems like I'm just a crazy.  I promise, thats not the case...always. :)

Before I go into some of those issues, I want everyone to know, that I know everyone has issues.  I know there are people out there who have it far, far worse than I have had it.  I know this.  But if everyone dealt with things the same way, we wouldn't have suicides, depression, sour relationships.  We wouldn't learn from one another.  And that's what this is for me.  I am learning.  I've always been a writer.  For me, it comes out better on paper, er, on the web in this case.  It's almost an escape; a way to vent.  Not all of you will agree with this; some of you will say, this isn't the place.  Well, for now, it is for me.

Relationships are hard.  ANY kind.  That's what I grew up seeing.  It was always the one side I saw, perceiving the situation to be the other person's fault.  And now that I'm a mother, I know there are always two sides to every story.  Not one person is always wrong, nor right, but it's what they do to change that counts.  The hardest relationship I have right now is with my mom.  That status is, well, non-existant almost.  It hurts me.  Some people say I should let go, others totally get it.  I am, well, bi-polar about the situation.  One day I'm ok with moving on, the other, I want to light the world on fire with me pissed off-ness.  Just ask my husband.  My poor husband.  I take him on this emotional rollercoaster with me, and I am so very thankful he put his seatbelt on....for now.  He listens to every single bitch, lets me cry every single tear, and I am so very thankful for that.  But I am also angry that he doesn't really understand.  Side note:  I know he never will.  Because HE didn't, and isn't still going through it.  But he tries, until I just drive him crazy.  And then my next emotional day, he tries again.  I love him, and I don't say it enough.

Please know, that my mom isn't the worst mom in the world.  Far from it.  But there have been things said and done, and things still being said and done, that just stretch my heart as far as it can go.  It doesn't break, because I have to keep it together for my kids, even though some days it seems like I can't keep it together.  We had a roof over our head and food on the table.  Thankful.  She didn't pay for my wedding dress, like she said she had done.  Hurtful.  Even more hurtful when it was a month before my wedding.  Especially when I would see photos of her on FB, partying with kids I graduated with.  Really?  It made my stomach turn.  Where are my siblings?  Home, being monitored by my 15 year old sister?  How is that fair?  She should be the one causing trouble.  It happened over, and over, and...over.  Puke.  And when my wedding day came and went, I felt like it wasn't about me.  Especially when she didn't send out the shower invitations when she said she did.  Especially because she didn't stay for the the whole thing.  Thats what mom's do though, right?  Stay.  But she left, with friends, to go bar hopping.  The next dat, we opened gifts.  I invited her, and she had to work.  Come to find out, she was at a basketball tourney watching someone play, instead of celebrating with me. This someone I hadn't heard the best things about.  And now they have a child together.  Devon and I planned Mason.  And I can remember when I was pregnant with Alyvia and how awful some family had made me feel because we weren't married.  I was preached and preached to about so many things to NOT do, and then she ended up pregnant with someone closer to my age, and wasn't married.  While I was pregnant with my son.  Who wants to share that time with a mom who ended up in such an irresponsible state of life?  Not me.  I was angry.  I still am.  I know this is not the baby's fault.  Nor is it even a fault.  It's a...circumstance, right?  Or something that just happened, right?  But I am so angry!  That time was supposed to me about me, and MY family.  She had her time.  I couldn't even be as happy as I wanted to be.  This...baby daddy...I just didn't hear any good things about him, nor did she TRY to even introduce him to me.  He was her "friend" the ONE time I saw him at Bdubs, when he proceeded to say, "Hey I'm...(nameless because I don't want to create more drama), your Mom's friend. We met at a party, she crashed on my couch."  At this point I wasn't pregnant, so I knew she wasn't either.  We had babies on the same day, as far as I'm told.  It's just a hard, hard thing to accept.  Not the baby, but the circumstance.  How irresponsible she's been for the past 5 years.  Another BIG thing, was when I went to school.  I had to stay up there, even though I BEGGED TO COME HOME.  I hated it.  I had to stay because she said she was paying for it.  Well, that was a lie, because 2 years later, I found out my loans were in default.  Enter flames from ears here.  W T F.  This has caused SO many problems for MY family.  $10,000.  I HAD to dig myself out of that hole.  And am just seeing results, 2 more years later.  Oh, you can bet your ass I will be angry about that for the rest of my life.