Winter blues and blessings and awesome men.

D has been off the past eight days due to weather.  Of course the first winter he has an outside job, it’s been the coldest winter in, like, history.  We have had to make some adjustments.  Financial adjustments, attitude adjustments, being cooped up in the house adjustments.

I have learned a lot. After seven years, yes, I am still learning.

-He is kick ass at getting all the laundry done.

-Our kids love him.  So friggin much.

Mason typically wants me to put him to bed.  If he gets the feeling Daddy is, he gets really upset.  Part of me thinks it’s a comfort thing.  He doesn’t like to be out of his routine.  Last night however, when I was walking with him to his room, M said, ‘Mom!  Daddy put mines bed!’ I was shocked, but also happy that he initiated that himself.  Alyvia loves to wrestle with D, loves to be chased by him, and I know she has really enjoyed having him around the last week.

-When he is able to cook dinner, it changes my entire mood.  I don’t have to rush around to get ABC done.  We have been able to use our awesome team-playing skills, that I sometimes forget we have, and it has been glorious.

-He has taught me to let things go.  Let the dirty dishes go, let the clothes on the floor go, let the toys scattered everywhere go.  They will be there tomorrow.  Although it is much easier to get it all done when we are both home, a day a week I decide to just…let it go.

While he being home could have been stressful for many reasons, it wasn’t.  We worked it out, as always.  I didn’t panic, we chose to stay home to avoid the urge to spend, we snuggled a lot, enjoyed the quad, played in the snow; we were productive, we were lazy, we played and laughed and listened.

Wives/Mommies, although sometimes husbands/daddies may stress us out by not doing something you asked them to at that very second, they may leave their mud covered boots right in front of the door, or their work coat on the furniture, or last night’s dinner dishes on the stove, when they do help more than usual, or hug you when they know you need it, or cook half the dinners that week, or entertain the kids so you can shower - remember it.  Appreciate it.  Hold onto it.  For when they aren’t around, whether its work or play, you will wish they were there doing all those things.  We may think as moms we do it all (we do most of the time); dads do a lot, too.

Here’s to awesome men.  You are totally, unmistakably awesome, babe.

A letter to my first born, my sweet Alyvia,

Soon you will be five.
Soon I will watch you graduate preschool, grow two more inches, swim without floaties, ride the bus for the first time.
You will play another year of TBall, you will make new friends, your hair will grow longer, your feet swifter.
Soon you will enter second, sixth, and high school grades.  You will learn lessons the hard way, and the easy.  You will bring home report cards, tests, class photos, and be apart of many fun things, or not so fun.

But, these five years, these first five, quick years, my beautiful girl, you will never know the impact you have made on my life.  The responsibility I quickly gained, the love I quickly learned to which I never knew existed.  Because of you, I am whole.

I wish for you to run and play, scrape your knees, learn new things, stand up for yourself, be nice, play dress up, ride four wheelers, swim and dance.  Fall in love, follow your dreams, never settle for anything less than you know you want and deserve - do all theese things, even if I fail to set the example for them, just always remember that you are worth more than gold.

Never lose your sparkle.  I love you so much.

Update on my current battle-

I was originally going to post recipes and a grocey list of last weeks successful mean plannning, but another topic has been at the tip of my tongue - I had to get it off my chest.

SO.
My last post shared my battle with whether or not we want to give the SAHM lifestyle a shot later this year.  Result? I still don't know.  But this is what I have learned.

Money does not grow on trees.
Actually, I have always known this.  But I have really been thinking about the long term effects.  Like, Disney next year.  School supplies.  Sports, whether it be travel or school.  FEES FEES FEES.  Saving for college.  Helping them purchase their first car.  A fun night at the movies with friends in five years.  And the cost is only going to go up.  I am not saying they need a Mercedes.  Hell, I drive a Honda.  Actually, my first car was a 94 Civic, five speed.  That is probably almost identical to what Alyvia will drive.  We cannot expect her or Mason to fund themselves through high school, and most definitely any earlier than that.  My job is important in that aspect.

They love me, regardless.
A sweet friend reminded me that even though you miss them throughout the day, and think they are so devestated that you aren't with them every second every day, they don't always express it.  They enjoy socializing with other kids and people.  And depending on the day, they may love when you pick them up, or pout (which is what Mason does most of the time).  Every now and then, Alyvia will get emotional and express she misses me.  Every now and then, Mason will not want me to leave him at the sitter.  But 99.9% of the time, they kiss me goodbye with smiles on their faces and go on with their day.

They are taken care of.
Whether it be our sitter, or my in-law's, or my side of the family - when I am gone, they are loved almost just as much by them as they are by me.

I know they will grow up to be proud of me.
Regardless of what I do.  Stay home.  Work.  Become a chief, or just a supervior.  A Stripper.  (KIDIDNG!)  I do it for them.  They will grow up to know that.

Retirement.
It's become almost nonexistant in some cases.  When I get to retire at the young age of 50, it will be more convenient than not to have my retirement and Devon's.  We will travel, the kids will be old enough and out of the house.  We won't have to necessarily stress about it.

I will miss things, but not everything.
I am lucky enough to accumulate paid time off, which will increase the longer I stay at my current job.  I will bust my buns to make sure I am present at all their important concerts, games, play dates, etc.

...And yet, there is still a huge part of me that wants so much to wake up every day, stay in my PJs if I wanted to, craft, make messs, kiss, snuggle, play.  There will also be days full of more discipline, tears, and screams.  I just want to know that I am doing the right thing.

Down the road, when Alyvia gets married the perfect man, graduates from college, or just brings home a good report card.  When Mason wins a race (he loves four wheelers), stands up for his sister, holds the door for his date.  When our bun learns to hug and give kisses, say first words, apologizes when needed. When I look back and remember all of those things, those little things, they will serve as my reminder that no matter what road we took, we took a good one.

WMG (Working Mom Guilt).

I have always been proud of my job.  How patient I was leading up to finally getting it; how determined I was to get it; how absolutely fortunate I was to have an opportunity to be so, so young and have such a well-paying, stable job.  It’s not every day that a teen mom doesn’t become a statistic; working for just more than minimum wage, maybe trying to get through school, and all too often without a significant other.  I was proud to not be a statistic.

Not a day goes by though that my subconscious does not give me some kind of guilt trip, some kind of hammering on my heart that reminds me how much I miss out on.  Not only me, but Devon too.  It was a little easier with just one, when we only had Alyvia.  Aside from working, every second of our spare time was devoted to her, and only her.  When Mason came along, I was only working part time for a few months, and deep down I loved it because I was able to spend SO much time with BOTH of them.  We knew though that in order to have the things we need to have, I needed to get a permanent, full time job.  And thank goodness I did.

We have always been so fortunate to have the best sitters.  Not everyone has that opportunity or luxury.  For that, I will always be grateful.

Still though, every day, I leave a huge part of my heart behind for ten hours.  I wonder what new things they’ll learn, say, do.  What they’ll have for lunch, if they napped well, if maybe we could have gone to the park together that day.  If I should be the sole person to teach them their letters, numbers, and prepare them for school.  If I should be the one to drop them off at preschool, put them on the bus, give them a piece of chocolate for finishing their meals all day.  I will miss PTA meetings, class parties, parent-teacher conferences.  And with a new baby on the way, possibly even first words, first steps, and that special snuggle time they long to have when they are just a few months old.

It wasn’t until my extremely hard working, I’ll-do-whatever-I-have-to-do-to-support-us husband got a new job, and a quick promotion that the thought of maybe, possibly staying home, maybe only working part-time, crossed my mind.  It wasn’t until we got caught up, finally caught up on our debts that I wrote down to prove that hey, we may be able to do it.  It wasn’t until last night that I was in tears, torn between which way my path would take me, which decision would I be able to make in the future.  If a year from now, that’s the route we decided to take, would I feel totally guilty about not having more extra money around?  Would I feel totally, dreadfully guilty that my husband worked 12 hours a day most days and I got to soak up the sweetness (or unsweetness) of our three beautiful, wild, keep-me-on-my-toes children?  Could I balance the saving we needed to do in the summer to get through winter?  Could I find it in my heart to part ways with my warmhearted, kind, selfless sitter who lives just around the corner?  The grocery budget, would I be able to get that right?  Would I regret it, and wish I could have kept my job?

i don't friggin know.

So for now, I’ll pray, work, soak up what I can, and continue to discuss the options with D.  I’ll talk to my kids; maybe they’ll give me the answer I need.  We have lots of time to figure it out.

I think.