Out of Control.

My anxiety can get a little out of control sometimes.  Ok, A LOT out of control.  Today has been the worst in a while.  Literally makes me have the shakes.  It physically hurts and makes me want to cry.

I am still learning this parenting thing.  I think we all learn until, well, forever.  It is especially hard when you live in someone else's home and they have a different perspective than you.  Or whatever.  Sometimes my temper gets the best of me, sometimes I snap, sometimes I will walk away; but most of the time, I handle it.  It may not be their way, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.  It may not be the way you thought you'd handle it, but that doesn't mean it's wrong either.  When there are 100 different opinions, interruptions, criticisms coming your way more often than not, it triggers that anxiety.  Know this:  I am appreciative of EVERYTHING everyone in our life does for us.  And we make that known.  So me, losing it sometimes because I have people from all different directions telling me how I should do this/correcting what I am doing, doesn't mean that I don't love/appreciate.  It means, I am still learning.  I appreciate opinions, but there is a line between help and just making you feel like you aren't doing anything right at all.

Another anxiety trigger: knowing you're not wrong, but being told to drop it because it doesn't matter... ?  This. is. hard.  Learning to keep my mouth shut when I'm not wrong for how I feel is SO hard.  Until about 5 years ago, I things like that didn't bother me; but when I left home and had my own family, I think I saw how wrong things were back then, and it caused to much hurt/anxiety at that moment.  And now, I cannot let go, because before then, I always did.  I cannot just let things go.  I think most of the reason is because I would never want my kids to think that they are wrong for feeling the way they feel.  And because, well, your feelings aren't wrong.  I was told my senior year by a teacher to never apologize for your feelings.  Truth.  And I won't.

I am also having SO much anxiety during this home loan process.  It is so back and forth; and we want more than anything to have our own home.  THAT isn't wrong either.  So me, counting down the weeks until we are in our home, doesn't mean my life is "bad".  It means, we cannot wait to be in our own home.

This anxiety needs help.  I need help.  I think I am just so overwhelmed with everything right now, on top of being on the defense 24/7, it is at it's peak.  I hope and pray that once we're in our home it will slowly get better.  But I also need to learn it's ok to seek help.  I will get there...

Happy Birthday, Monkey Man!

Happy First Birthday to our handsome, crazy, sweet little guy!  I cannot believe you have been in our lives for a year already!  There sure is something special about a Momma-Son bond. You melt my heart every single day! Momma loves every single inch of your cuteness, every single one of your giggles, and I will love you every single day, forever!



Shake it Off.

I have the worst trouble just accepting things; just letting things be.  Most of the time, I just can't do it.  Why are they so much better off than us? Why do we owe X this?  Why do I feel like my children are second best?  Why is it so hard for someone to apologize?  Why am I still having trouble with parenting, communicating, brushing things off my shoulder...with just everything?!

I make it so hard on myself to just enjoy the moment.  The now.  When my kid giggles in excitement, when my hubs goes out of his way to make things go in our favor, when someone else has something good happen to them.  My worry is on to the next...like it's on repeat and has no sign of stopping anytime soon.

We all have this perception of out-doing each other.  I hate it, even though I catch myself doing it.  And there are people in this world, people that I know, that do it too.  It makes living in this world so hard for a mom when all we do it compete.  We may not verbalize that we are, but honestly, we all know deep down, those are our intentions...having something better, cuter, more expensive than that other mom.

Worrying about what other people are doing or what other people are thinking about me is a big issue of mine.  I need to let it go.  LET IT GO. Who gives two shits if  my kid doesnt have what their kid does?  Who cares if they are there, and we are still here, trying to figure out where to go next?  My devotional yesterday was titled 'Shake it Off'.  Joyce Meyer smacked me in the face.  Megan, you will get to where you are supposed to be.  Just take a chill pill, for God's sake.  Seriously.

{Does a Miller Light count as a chill pill? ;)}