Rekindling my Faith.

It always seems to be that every bad week I have, everything that could make it worse, does.  My husband is currently in his 34th hour of a 108 hour work week.  108 hours in six days, actually.  When I saw that on his schedule, I cried.  I buried my face in the pillow and cried.  Not within 30 seconds did I then feel guilty about being upset.  HE HAS A JOB.  But, I was still sad.  He misses so much.  I know one day it will all be worth it, but we have been saying that for five years now.

Today was another day where I just "felt" like something else would go wrong.  I had talked to our lender this morning about our appraisal being scheduled for Friday, and we discussed possibly needing to extend our closing .date because USDA is so backed up right now. That was ok with me; more time to be prepared.  Then as I was shutting down my computer at work, I got the phone call saying that something had popped up on my credit that made my score go down.  I had been making payments as agreed, and it had NEVER been on my credit report before.  It wasn't there when she had originally pre-approved us either.  The underwriter had pulled our credit just to make sure it was still ok.  NOPE. I frantically called whomever I needed to call, and paid my remainding balance, still confused as to why it had all of a sudden been reported.  Now, we wait 7-15 days to get a letter of satisfaction, and have my credit re-ran.  You bet your ass I will not be waiting that long.  I have fought and fought and fought to get my credit repaired, when most of the reasons it sucked were NOT my fault.  And now this?  I bawled all the way home.

More than once, I have said to others that this house has been smooth sailing; no bullshit with the banks, it passed inspection, the owners fixed what needed to be and our lender has been on top of it.  I knew deep in my heart that something would come up and test our patience and faith.

Faith.  That is such a BIG word.  Such a committment.  I've been trying to figure out and establish my relationship with the Big Guy for the past year or so.  What is it that I want need to believe in?  I believe that your relationship with Jesus is one of your own.  Most churches are hypocritical, being the first to judge.  I do not feel at home there.  Me praying, in tears, either in the shower or in the car - me begging Him to help me through this, help me realize what my purpose is, what is important, what I need to do to make things happen and satisfy him- THAT to me is personal.  The type of relationship it should be.  I have succeeded and failed at all of those.  The best thing about it, is He knows.  He already knows we are going to struggle.  He paves a path, but doesn't promise us it will be easy.  So far, this home has been easy.  I knew better than to think it would be the entire 4-6 weeks we were in-contract.  Not that it isn't fair; it's learning that you cant have control over everything.  It's realizing, hey - I can do this.  We can do this with the strength HE gives ME.  US.  My family.  We learn to use our faith to help us through these struggles.  I need to be more faithful to my faith.  With my husbands work; accepting that it is ok for me to be upset when he isn't here, but embracing the time he is.

And FYI Satan: This is our home, where I will remember, HE made this possible, with both the struggles and triumphs.