Out of Control.

My anxiety can get a little out of control sometimes.  Ok, A LOT out of control.  Today has been the worst in a while.  Literally makes me have the shakes.  It physically hurts and makes me want to cry.

I am still learning this parenting thing.  I think we all learn until, well, forever.  It is especially hard when you live in someone else's home and they have a different perspective than you.  Or whatever.  Sometimes my temper gets the best of me, sometimes I snap, sometimes I will walk away; but most of the time, I handle it.  It may not be their way, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.  It may not be the way you thought you'd handle it, but that doesn't mean it's wrong either.  When there are 100 different opinions, interruptions, criticisms coming your way more often than not, it triggers that anxiety.  Know this:  I am appreciative of EVERYTHING everyone in our life does for us.  And we make that known.  So me, losing it sometimes because I have people from all different directions telling me how I should do this/correcting what I am doing, doesn't mean that I don't love/appreciate.  It means, I am still learning.  I appreciate opinions, but there is a line between help and just making you feel like you aren't doing anything right at all.

Another anxiety trigger: knowing you're not wrong, but being told to drop it because it doesn't matter... ?  This. is. hard.  Learning to keep my mouth shut when I'm not wrong for how I feel is SO hard.  Until about 5 years ago, I things like that didn't bother me; but when I left home and had my own family, I think I saw how wrong things were back then, and it caused to much hurt/anxiety at that moment.  And now, I cannot let go, because before then, I always did.  I cannot just let things go.  I think most of the reason is because I would never want my kids to think that they are wrong for feeling the way they feel.  And because, well, your feelings aren't wrong.  I was told my senior year by a teacher to never apologize for your feelings.  Truth.  And I won't.

I am also having SO much anxiety during this home loan process.  It is so back and forth; and we want more than anything to have our own home.  THAT isn't wrong either.  So me, counting down the weeks until we are in our home, doesn't mean my life is "bad".  It means, we cannot wait to be in our own home.

This anxiety needs help.  I need help.  I think I am just so overwhelmed with everything right now, on top of being on the defense 24/7, it is at it's peak.  I hope and pray that once we're in our home it will slowly get better.  But I also need to learn it's ok to seek help.  I will get there...