Letting it be

Here we are, 9 weeks pregnant with our third and final baby, and I still don't know.  I don't know if I will ever get a grip on being a parent.  What's right, wrong, what's being too hard, or not strict enough.  How to build up self esteem in my 4 year old daughter when I have none of my own.  How to teach Mason to be a gentleman, to love with his whole heart, when I have never really seen a man do it himself when I was a child either.

I yell. A lot.  Three times of repeating myself, and I am ready to swing through the house with a wrecking ball because I am so pissed off.  I expect immediate satisfaction, even though I know that is not realistic with two kids under five.

Every night this week, A has spilt her juice from her "big girl cup" and with each passing day, I get more and more angry when she does it again.  When it occured last night, she looked at me with fear in her eyes, and quickly said "It's just a drop, Mommy."  No, it wasn't just a drop, it was about ten, but she tried to hard to not disappoint me by cleaning it up quickly.  It broke my heart.  Yet deep down, I was still angry.

Every night this week, I am exahausted and just want Mason so much to sit and relax with me when that clock hits 7:00PM.  He doesn't sit still.  I know this.  But can't he do it this one night?  Doesn't he get that some nights, I just can't do anything more but sit and watch a movie, justifying that as "quality time".

And when I am approaching my fourth request, for someone, anyone to just listen, I blow a fuse.  And to be honest with you, as much as it makes me cringe to say this, it comes naturally.  There was a lot, a LOT of yelling, hateful words thrown around when I was young.  I felt as if I was never being listened to, my needs were never taken into complete consideration.  And with much regret, I have carried that anger and fuse into a stage in my life where I get to be mom.  There are so many days when I feel as if I am just doing a terrible job.  I blame a lot of things.  I try to pinpoint why I react the way I do and why I still let my emotions get the best of me.

I read a blog today that made me cry.  Not a "this is so sweet" type of cry.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  If I want to give the best to my kids, I need to stop being my own bully.  Stop allowing these past experiences drive my frustration to a level where my kids are effected.  Stop letting messes, and homework, and an extra minute playing ruin my mood.  STOP.  Stop being my own worst critic, stop striving for perfection, stop second guessing every decision I make.  Learn to let things be, love myself a little more.

Three babies later, maybe I'll get it.