It is ok

I had a wonderful Christmas.  Like, really wonderful, regardless of Mason getting up at 6am.  Him is a big boy now.  In exchange for gifts, he left HoHo his NaNa (paci).  We were really good about nipping it in the butt with Alyvia, but everything has been a little more difficult with him.  Three successful nights later, I think he will be just fine.

Alyvia was ecstatic about every single thing she got.  In the midst of her attitude lately, she really is one of the most grateful kids I know.  She makes it a point to tell me she loves me, thank you for everything (from helping her button her coat to her new Nabi, to toasting her a waffle).  I hope she keeps that trait of gratefulness.

We were able to make it to both sides of our families to celebrate.  Thank goodness I felt well enough most of the day because it made my heart full.  Our house is currently (still) a disaster and I am totally ok with it.

You may wonder why I am so happy about this holiday.  You may wonder why I am pointlessly describing our day.  You may wonder why I am so happy with the outcome.

I typically have a very, very hard time with the aftermath.  Pretending to be in a good state with family members for a few hours, then going home to remember that I am not.  That it was a front, that I am still so damned angry and bitter about the way I have been treated.  But this year, without me expecting it to be, it was different.

I have learned, it is okay.

It is ok to be angry about being treated unfairly at times, about being put on the backburner for years for what it seems like;

It is ok to not agree on a certain person’s lifestyle and how it seems as if life is always messy for them, and wish with all your heart that they would just settle down for a while;

It is ok to be hurt, and sad, and pray so hard that one day you will get a phone call, or a knock at the door, with a pleading apology, and real changes;

It is ok to be all these things, but still love.  Love all those people that have hurt you, betrayed you, made you cry.

They may not ever know the extent of the heavy burden you carry, they will never have to carry it.  But as long as you love, especially in front of your own children, eventually that pain subsides, little by little, and you are able to hug goodbye and feel full instead of still angry.  In all reality, staying angry only hurts yourself in the long run. 

So, just learn to love, despite what hurts.  Love can move mountains.

XO