Here's the thing.

Mistakes. We all make them. Some more than others. Some more extreme than others. It is a given, we are human. I will be the first to admit mine. It took me a long time to be able to be 'ok' with doing that. But without admittance, there is no self-forgiveness or moving forward. I made mistakes long ago, ones that hurt someone I loved, and I fought hard not to be that person ever again. Babies. My three sometimes feels like 3 million. There are days when I think, there is just no way I am cut out for this. I had my first at 19, and as hard as it is being a mom, she saved me. Then number two and three came along. SHEWEEE. Parenting is not for the weak. And in all honesty, especially lately, I feel weak. Marriage. There is nothing in this world that can prepare you for it. The ups, the downs. Communication, disagreements, different perspectives. You can read every self help book, dive in the bible and try to love like God, but God also gave us free will. The enemy sneaks in daily, and sometimes, it's too late to fan out a fire. Baggage. I did not know the weight of my baggage until I got married. And it has effected me in ways I never even imagined. From emotional and physical abuse, to neglect, to not really ever feeling 'home', to growing up entirely too fast. It hit me like a wall of bricks. Inside I was screaming, and eventually those screams came out years and years later. I never inherited the right way to love someone nor did I ever feel like I was loved. Sometimes, that is still true. Despite everything I have done wrong, I found a light. My faith has become something I am pursuing more and more. The more I do, the more peace in my heart I have about the kids' and my future. The best part about scewing up, is God's grace. Is that, He will meet you right where you are. About a month ago, I worked up the courage to kneel at the alter and just give it all to Him. Right now, my path is messy. It's everywhere one minute and feels like its going nowhere the next. But I know He is with me. I know that I am forgiven, and I don't have to keep feeling guilty about things I can't change. What matters is what I do as I move forward, as I have been moving forward. My changing has been very slow, but to me, that is better than staying in the same, finger pointing spot my entire life. I can do all things...through Christ who strengthens me.