Silence

It's almost like feeling as if you are screaming at the top of your lungs, but you can't seem to get it to come out of your  mouth.  Like your covering your own mouth, yet fighting with yourself to just let it out.  Let it go.  Let them know how you really feel.  But you are more scared of the reprecussions than concerned about letting those you love know how you really feel.  The track record shows it never has really been about you.

I am almost 25 years old, and still stuck.  Stuck in a place where at 18, alone at college, with no family visiting, realzing that I was alone.  How I feel and what I want to say has never really mattered.  And from that point on, I have crumbled.  I have let this overwhelming bitterness take over  my life and yet I still let it happen. I still accept it as a part of my life, yet in the most unhealthy way possible.  It destroys me inside, every single day.

I am the oldest of...8.  I have two "real" siblings, two half, and three step.  I would explain that to you, but you would be even more confused.  Growing up wasn't easy.  We moved, a lot.  We lost a lot.  We witnessed a lot no child should ever have to witness.  And I never spoke up.  To this day, I regret it.  Because now I have no idea how to speak up properly when I need to.  When I know something going on is wrong, or I disagree, or if I simply just need to speak to you about something... I just don't know.  What I think may be the best approach probably isn't, even though it seems totally legit to me.

It especially happens when I am hurt.

When you have a baby at 19, with no college education, living with your boyfriend parents, and completely turn your circumstances around - to a State employee, homeowner, wife, and mother of two - you would hope someone would mention, or show, how proud of you they are.  You would hope that an effort would be made more often than it is, to see me and my kids, to try to be involved, or to just simply say 'hey, you are doing a great job'... but instead, my siblings faces flood social media, gloating about how well they are doing.  Which, they are.  I am so proud.  It took them getting away to see clearly, to do something for themselves, for them to realize they could do better.  I am thankful every day that they took that leap.  But is it totally selfish of me to want the same praise? Just once in my life.  I just want someone who is supposed to, to show or say or actually try.


I'm battling today.  Tomorrow will be a better day.