Changes + Church + Concerts

There are so many misconceptions about marriage and relationships. Through our family, to our friends, to the media and all of Hollywood. It gets confusing. Hell, it gets frustrating. I think we usually marry for the right reasons… love. But we don’t understand that so many more things… emotions, expectations, disappointments, triumphs… aren’t exactly understood. And then when we face all or none of those things, we do not know how to handle them. We live in a world of selfishness. I want this, now. This is someone else’s fault. Apologizing, but repeating the same mistakes. And most of the time, instead of working to change ourselves (we can ALL use some improvement), we immediately demand changes from someone else. I have been in that place for a long, long time. Not with just marriage. With my childhood, and relationships with family, and even with parenting. I knew that love existed. But it wasn’t until I made a leap to reach out for help from other people and places that I really understood what love meant. I shouldn’t just say I took the leap. Dev and I both did. We started attending church almost two months ago. D’s first service he attended with me was about marriage and how it was the foundation of family. What it actually meant to love, to be selfless, to try, and to set an example for children if you had them. It hit us like a ton of bricks. That same day, I signed us up for some marriage classes taking place at that same church in hopes to learn more and to apply these lessons to our life. We were read a statistic last Sunday that simply stated families who attend church together are overall happier. Some of us may agree, some of us may not. I personally do. We already feel changes, we already communicate differently, we already love better. The most important things I have learned are 1) marriage is constant effort whether you ‘feel’ like it or not and 2) love is not just a feeling, it’s what you do. The later has had the biggest impact on me. I am not an affectionate or affirmative person. I am the last person to give a hug just because. And I am still working on it. I think it’s a lifelong learning process. Although it will never be easy, I can honestly say we feel happier as a whole…so far. Opening our lives to God, Jesus, a new church family, and basically building our beliefs from scratch has moved mountains for us. I cannot wait to continue this journey. With that, something not related at all. Miranda Lambert, we will see you on January 17th. And Mr. Sam Hunt, you as well on March 12. ;)

And then there were five.

Emery Paige has been here almost six whole weeks. It has flown by in some aspects, others it has been as slow as molasses. Nevertheless, she is perfect. Our third piece of heaven. A lot has happened since I have been on maternity leave, and I will write about that later. But for now, I need to vent in a sense. No matter how many kids you have, you learn the old and new processes all over again. Ya know, dirty diapers, burping, rocking, consoling. But when you have multiples, and depending on what stages in life they are at, some things can be extremely harder than others. So far, I have learned this: - Little Brothers are pests. Adorable, annoying, hilarious, rotten pests to older sisters. I know I should have expected this, but it has been a while since I have lived with my younger brothers. Poor Alyvia gets a run for her money. - A five year old little girl can have a 14 year old teenage attitude. LET ME TELL YOU, she is just like me. And rolls her eyes? Already? LORD HELP ME. - I have yet to wear a pair of regular jeans anywhere. When I was pregnant, I bought a size or two up from the size I was prepregnancy, and although they are big now, I am not ready to attempt to put normal ones on. My poor husband sees me in sweats every single day. Sorry, babe. It's the easiest thing to wear right now, and I'm ok with it until further notice. - Going from two to three has been overall easier than one to two. I mean, I'm already up wiping someone's butt, fixing someone's food, cleaning someone's mess, whats another thing to do? Seriously though, it hasn't been too bad, at all. - I am struggling more now with my image than I ever have. I want to be back to where I was, and I want it now. I am learning that it's going to take two times more 'work' than it has before. - Laundry, it's never ending. - And some days, you just have to go with the flow more than others. Life with three, our family of five... it's interesting to say the least. But I am more full than ever.

Our Last One.

Today, I went to my very last baby appointment. Not just for this baby. Forever.

Three babies are just right for us. Zone defense? Not a prob. ;) I have faith we can do it.

The emotions are slowly sneaking up on me, though. I will never hear a little heartbeat on the Doppler again, experience the anticipation of ‘boy or girl’, buy another crib, and in a short year we will forever get rid of the infant car seat.

I will never feel the kicks again; as uncomfortable as they are at this point, it is pretty damn awesome that there is a human alive and moving inside of my stretched out, uncomfortable, stretchmark covered belly.

Newborn diapers will quickly disappear. The sweet smell of baby soap on a brand new baby. Relaying the excitement of a new baby to our other kids… this is the last.

At 5AM, July 10^th, as long as this little booger stays put before then, we will welcome the final one.

The Last Few Weeks.

36 weeks pregnant today.

I have been psyching myself out… one day I convince myself she will be here sooner than expected, the next I hate the world and loathe the fact that it still could be 28 days.

And then I think just how quickly all of this, all of life, happens.

This July, D and I have been together seven years. SEVEN. Our fourth wedding anniversary is next Thursday and even THAT to me is a huge deal. Don’t you remember being in high school, dating a dude you were ‘destined’ to be with and thinking to yourself and telling your friends that seven months of dating was such a long time? Yep, that was me. We have lived life a little backwards. But normal is boring. On our first dating anniversary, we found out we were pregnant with A. I remember ‘knowing’, but talked myself out of believing it. I finally took a test, and yes, threw it at him. We survived.

Shortly after we married, we got pregnant again. I, again, convinced myself that we were ready for another. And to be honest, I don’t think you can ever be totally ready. I mean, what in the world could possibly prepare you for sleepless nights, sick babies, financial struggles, snot covered faces, running low on diapers; first steps, first words, first I love yous. Let me tell you- NOTHING. Nothing can prepare you for any of that. No one could ever possibly explain to me the reward, the struggle, the ANYTHING to get me prepared for being a parent.

And now we’re here. The last few weeks and days of our very last babe. As miserable as I am, as much as I want it to fly by, I remember that it all really does fly by. I kick myself for not being able to recollect every single thing leading up to now.  But that’s life. That alone should teach us to savor, linger and enjoy more than we fret, worry and stress.

Let me tell you, I am trying. I struggle every day, but I know it’s normal and I know it’ll get easier the more a practice it.

Here’s to 28 more days until our lives change for the third and final time by welcoming our last baby. This, like everything else, will become nothing more than a memory.

YOU DID IT.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

The people who come and go; the hardships and triumphs you experience; those who hurt you; those who come into your life to prove that you are worth loving; financial struggles; babies; those genuinely good people that show up in your life to make it easier. It is all a part of life’s lessons.

I am 25 years old and here to tell you, all those circumstances you never thought you would get through? You do. You get through them and it all plays a significant role in your story.  You learn to let go of those bitter feelings over time, realizing that you cannot control what others say and do to you. You learn what’s important; your biggest dreams and working towards those, whether it’s building a mansion, owning a business, having a big family, or none of these. There are good people in this world who genuinely care for you and your well-being. Like my sweet sitter who knew I had a rough evening last night, and dropped off not one, but TWO Strawberry/Banana side-by-side milkshakes to cheer me up. I joke with D all the time and threaten to move in with her. ;) A random text from a friend, just letting you know that they are thinking about you. A spouse who works hard and is also a good father, and no matter how long you are together, never fails to make you laugh. Birth. Seeing the being you created for the first time. Finishing a marathon. Quitting a bad habit. All of these things are the smallest, yet most significant. Those days you thought you would never get through? These small, significant things happen to remind you, “hey, dude, you did it. And it was all worth it.” But you have to have the will power, self-respect, and appreciation of yourself and all these things to get all of their value.

 So wake up tomorrow with a new attitude. Take that first breath in the morning and smile. You did it. And you rocked that bish.

(trying to) Turn a Page.

I have had a terrible time lately deciding what it is I need to be a better mom.  Count to ten? More spanking? Less spanking? Walking away? Taking things away? I have no clue.   But I do know that the challenging nights were becoming more and more common, as was the yelling which then prompted more tears from the kids, and myself.  I didn’t know where to turn.

I started reading a book by Joyce Meyer called The Confident Mom.  Let’s be honest, I don’t always have time to read a chapter every night, but when I do, it does help.  But I am still not there.  I am still not to a point where I am confident in my decisions as a parent.  Mostly discipline.  But I need more direction in every aspect of being a mom.  So today, I chose to listen to a sermon on a podcast while working.  It started to go in a direction that made me entirely too uncomfortable, but right before I decided to exit out of that podcast, a subject was brought up that made me stay.  The absence of a father.  Although I am not blaming any one person here, it does still affect me, and even more so now that I don’t necessarily have a healthy relationship with my mom either.

The absence of either one, whether you want to admit it or not, affects your entire life.  If you’re like me; grow up putting all feelings on the backburner and then getting run over with them like a freight train when I marry and have kids myself; it hurts more now than I ever expected it to.  This pastor said something along the lines of that us kids who have absent parents who grow up and  get married unintentionally put the pressure of filing that burden on our spouse.  We expect them to be the total opposite, and end up pushing them away.  Nothing is ever good enough, even if you tell them it is, deep down you are telling yourself you want more.

And with this comes putting even more pressure on yourself to be a better parent.  When in reality, we have no friggin idea how to.  I struggle with both of these every single day.  It is so hard to sit here and admit that most of the time, I don’t know which way is up.  I am not confident in any decision I make.  And in the end, I not only hurt myself, but my kids, and my spouse.  It is a toxic environment from the day you are brought into this world, and you have NO idea how to get out, even when given all the sources.

‘Whether children detest or desire faith, it will be determined in the home.’  I was never given any example of any type of faith; relationships, decisions, a way of living, etc.  I live what I was taught.

With our third and final baby due in just 11 weeks, I will be damned if I let it control my life, especially my parenting, anymore.  I do not have to be a product of my environment anymore.  I owe it to myself to live genuinely happy without this burden I have been carrying and blaming for 25 years.  It’s time to establish faith in my life, and myself.

Stay tuned.

Updates, shmupdates

Alyvia:
Turning 5 came and went.  The past month or so, she has been an eating, sleeping machine.  Yesterday, the chick took a four hour nap AND still went to bed at 830p.  We just recently registered her for Kindergarten which will be all day.  It makes me somewhat nervous because she still takes such good naps... I am curious how she will adjust.  TBall has begun and she is on a team full of boys and one other girl.  Hopefully they can toughen her up a little.  I really do not know where she gets her sassy, love for princess, all things girly attitude.  Although it is cute, it secretly drives me bonkers.  She is kicking PreK in the booty; graduation is just around the corner.  Her newest ventures are constantly drawing or doodling.  She loves to write her letters over and over again, and then pretend it tells a story.  Keep on dreamin', darlin'.

Mason:
He is a ball of energy.  Boys are SO different.  He is constantly on the go, his Daddy's shadow; dancing, playing, jumping, wrestling.  His favorite color is orange.  Everything is orange, no matter what color it really is.  He loves all things motorcyle, quad, tractor and truck.  We are in the middle of potty training.  It is going pretty well, I am just used to how simple it was with Alyvia.  He is just as big as her and as always, has the best giggle.

Emery and Momma:
We have crossed quite a few things off our to-do and to-get lists.  We just purchased her swing.  Per Mason, we had to set it up immediately.  He helped me put it together and quickly put a baby in it.  He watched with pure awe, picturing his very own little sis rocking in it.  Talk about a full heart.  Alyvia knows very well when she will arrive.  We talk about her every day as if she were already here.  Can I tell you that being pregnant with two kids is so exhausting.  BEYOND.  I would much rather juggle three kids than be incubating one while caring for two.  I guess I can't really have one without the other, huh?  I will be 28 weeks Friday!  My next appointment is Monday (glucose).  I am kind of behind on appointments, but I also feel like I am there all the time.  We tour Dublin Methodist next weekend, and I hear it is gorgeous.

Other news:
D and I decided that this time next year, we will take a punch at reselling, buying a few acres, and building.  He needs space to do what he wants to do, and we are slowly, but surely outgrowing our first home.  Bittersweet.  We have so many dreams and plans, which we have discussed a lot lately.  I have finally accepted that I need to do one thing at a time and right now, welcoming our last baby, focusing on our girl starting school, paying some things off and being thankful for the now is exactly what we need.  I drive him bonkers, but I just wouldn't be me if I didn't. :)

Denial.

It's the last week of March.
Christmas, New Year's, Birthdays.. they have came and went.
Spring is here.

I am two days shy of 25 weeks pregnant.
My girl registers for Kindergarten next Friday.
Mase will be three just a week after we welcome Miss Emery.
Which is only 15 friggin weeks away.

My kids and  belly... they are all growing.
The nights are becoming restless for me.
I need to do this, and do this, but this first, but I just wish I could sleep.  Are we ready?  Is D ready?  Are we ok?  I forgot to brush the kids' teeth.  How much house can we afford when we are ready to sell?  What should we put in the kids' Easter baskets this year?  I wish I had my own support system.
I wish I could take more than 7 weeks off.  I wish I could just stay home, period.  Or not.  Maybe part time.  But I love our sitter.  I need to pee.

Devon has been at his current job for a year already.
A year of adjustments, a year of blessings.
Soon, the flowers will bloom and everyone will be complaining that it is too hot.

Soon, very soon, our family will be complete.
It is all happening too fast.
I am in utter denial.

(A little over) HALFWAY THERE!

Baby number three will be here in less than 19 weeks.  Our last sweet, spunky, fun, challenging, beautiful little heathen will be here so. friggin soon.

Mommy update: I am finally popping out. For the longest time, you could barely tell I was pregnant.  Today I found out my blood pressure is extremely low, so that would obviously explain my dizzy spells and light headedness.  I have put on 20 pounds already.  Yikes.  My girls are sore all the time and I am trying to do squats and calf raises three times a week to keep a presentable booty.  I really, really want more intimate maternity photos this time around.  It’s our last one, and I want to go out with a bang in a sense. Cravings are salads, ice cream, and cereal.

Emery update: She is almost a whole pound – 14 ounces.  Her heart rate is 142 and she is an active little booger.   Daddy got to go to the ultrasound today and that filled my heart.  Her little profile is so perfect.  She is measuring 21 weeks 4 days.

Mason’s pregnancy was an emotional one.  The whole 40 weeks I was a hot mess.  I have been doing a much better job handling it all.  This week it has really hit me… all those emotions, about everything.  I don’t even know where to start.

Alyvia brought home three outfits for Emery yesterday.  She went shopping with Granny and asked if she could get something for her baby sister.  It is so humbling to know that she already thinks of her so often, wanting to include her in so many things.  She has the biggest heart.

This Saturday we will be purchasing baby furniture…from Ikea!  We are finishing up our bedroom this week.  She will be sharing with us for a bit, and if we decide to put off selling our home more than a year, we will transition Alyvia’s room for sharing.  It will be fine either way, I know it will, but I want to give my kids everything I didn’t necessarily have.  Including a stable home and their own rooms.  Everyone has their own opinion on this, but it’s always going to be the way I feel.  We will get there with patience and a plan.

Here’s to 18+/- weeks!  EEEK!

I Am Full.

Refreshed is what comes to mind after this past weekend.

We live pretty busy lives.  Between D’s hours, me working, the weekdays just seem to not really count towards the important things like spending quality time together; instead they count towards the, you know, house-work-running-around-like-a-chicken-with-your-head-cut-off, unimportant things.  The evenings just really get away from us, so they are usually off limits for anything ‘extra’.

Saturday consisted of new shoes and a day out with no particular reason other than spending time together, which was exactly what we needed.  We haven’t done that in a very long time; I forgot how enjoyable it can be.

Sunday we finally got to visit friends at their new home, where we had ice cream cake, pizza, laughs, and made messes. Oh, and tried to catch a wolf.  Don’t ask.

I feel like the past few weeks I have really adjusted my goal to just enjoy the ride.  My brain is usually consumed with what we have to do, what could go wrong, what we need to plan, what is planned, etc. etc, ETC.  I too often forget that life happens every day and I need to appreciate and enjoy every ounce of it.

I am so blessed to have a marriage that I am happy to say has gotten so much better, kids who I love to love every single day, a home that is our home, and friends who we can connect with (or make fun of, or just stuff our faces with) on a personal and laid back level.

All of that being said, we have reached the halfway mark of our last pregnancy.  We DO have a lot to do, but I am going to ENJOY getting everything done.  I am going to soak up these last twenty weeks, most of the days will be spent accommodating to every other mom duty I already have, which is totally fine by me.  This spring and summer will fly while we enjoy watching our oldest play another year of TBall, go camping, creep up on our boy turning three, swim, play, and take joy rides in the Jeep.

I mean. Think about it.  Do you really, I mean REALLY take the time to enjoy the life you live?  It is so fulfilling.  We all need to make this a priority.  ENJOY THE RIDE.

XO

There are Lessons in Birthday Parties.

Our sweet girl turned five yesterday.  She was confused because her party was Sunday, and Mommy didn't have to work yesterday. "It is?! Today is my birthday?!" "Yes baby, February 17th, remember?"  She was thrilled.

We have had birthday parties every single year for our kids.  I love doing it.  I love being surrounded by friends and family who set aside time to celebrate and love our kids on their special day.  I love the chaos, the food, the noise, and even the mess (kind of).

I used to throw over-the top-parties for her.  The ones on Pinterest? Not as good, but they were pretty damn good.  Homemade banners every year for her, cupcakes made on my own, each and every decor item matched her theme.  It was fun, but also exhausting.  You know what I did with all that stuff?

I took photos and then THREW IT AWAY.

She doesn't care if the banner is made by me or bought at Target. Or if we eat on foam paper plates or color coordinating ones.  If the food is extravagant, or easy.. she does not give two sh*ts.  She has had fun at each one of those parties.  Not ONCE has she mentioned to me which was more fun, or more pretty, or whatever other standard we set.  She will rememeber them through photos just the same.  I have learned that it is her happiness that matters - and she could care less how much money is spent on PAPER decorations, THAT WE THROW AWAY.

Before we scramble and stretch ourselves thin of how we are going to out-do last years party, or how this one will compare to the kids in her class' party... think about who this is really for.  You?  NO. The kid.

Buy a cool looking cake, your utensils from Dollar Tree (and even your party favors; this place is my fave), the easier the food is to make the better, play some music and blow up some balloons.  Wanna color coordinate? FINE! I do because I am SO OCD.  But try your best to remember the goal of this special day.  All they want is love and fun.  You really can't buy that!

...(I am really hoping I can stick to this mindset for Mason's birthday this year.  Newborn baby + a bday party = STRESS CENTRAL.  Keepin' it simple. AMEN?)

Winter blues and blessings and awesome men.

D has been off the past eight days due to weather.  Of course the first winter he has an outside job, it’s been the coldest winter in, like, history.  We have had to make some adjustments.  Financial adjustments, attitude adjustments, being cooped up in the house adjustments.

I have learned a lot. After seven years, yes, I am still learning.

-He is kick ass at getting all the laundry done.

-Our kids love him.  So friggin much.

Mason typically wants me to put him to bed.  If he gets the feeling Daddy is, he gets really upset.  Part of me thinks it’s a comfort thing.  He doesn’t like to be out of his routine.  Last night however, when I was walking with him to his room, M said, ‘Mom!  Daddy put mines bed!’ I was shocked, but also happy that he initiated that himself.  Alyvia loves to wrestle with D, loves to be chased by him, and I know she has really enjoyed having him around the last week.

-When he is able to cook dinner, it changes my entire mood.  I don’t have to rush around to get ABC done.  We have been able to use our awesome team-playing skills, that I sometimes forget we have, and it has been glorious.

-He has taught me to let things go.  Let the dirty dishes go, let the clothes on the floor go, let the toys scattered everywhere go.  They will be there tomorrow.  Although it is much easier to get it all done when we are both home, a day a week I decide to just…let it go.

While he being home could have been stressful for many reasons, it wasn’t.  We worked it out, as always.  I didn’t panic, we chose to stay home to avoid the urge to spend, we snuggled a lot, enjoyed the quad, played in the snow; we were productive, we were lazy, we played and laughed and listened.

Wives/Mommies, although sometimes husbands/daddies may stress us out by not doing something you asked them to at that very second, they may leave their mud covered boots right in front of the door, or their work coat on the furniture, or last night’s dinner dishes on the stove, when they do help more than usual, or hug you when they know you need it, or cook half the dinners that week, or entertain the kids so you can shower - remember it.  Appreciate it.  Hold onto it.  For when they aren’t around, whether its work or play, you will wish they were there doing all those things.  We may think as moms we do it all (we do most of the time); dads do a lot, too.

Here’s to awesome men.  You are totally, unmistakably awesome, babe.

A letter to my first born, my sweet Alyvia,

Soon you will be five.
Soon I will watch you graduate preschool, grow two more inches, swim without floaties, ride the bus for the first time.
You will play another year of TBall, you will make new friends, your hair will grow longer, your feet swifter.
Soon you will enter second, sixth, and high school grades.  You will learn lessons the hard way, and the easy.  You will bring home report cards, tests, class photos, and be apart of many fun things, or not so fun.

But, these five years, these first five, quick years, my beautiful girl, you will never know the impact you have made on my life.  The responsibility I quickly gained, the love I quickly learned to which I never knew existed.  Because of you, I am whole.

I wish for you to run and play, scrape your knees, learn new things, stand up for yourself, be nice, play dress up, ride four wheelers, swim and dance.  Fall in love, follow your dreams, never settle for anything less than you know you want and deserve - do all theese things, even if I fail to set the example for them, just always remember that you are worth more than gold.

Never lose your sparkle.  I love you so much.

Update on my current battle-

I was originally going to post recipes and a grocey list of last weeks successful mean plannning, but another topic has been at the tip of my tongue - I had to get it off my chest.

SO.
My last post shared my battle with whether or not we want to give the SAHM lifestyle a shot later this year.  Result? I still don't know.  But this is what I have learned.

Money does not grow on trees.
Actually, I have always known this.  But I have really been thinking about the long term effects.  Like, Disney next year.  School supplies.  Sports, whether it be travel or school.  FEES FEES FEES.  Saving for college.  Helping them purchase their first car.  A fun night at the movies with friends in five years.  And the cost is only going to go up.  I am not saying they need a Mercedes.  Hell, I drive a Honda.  Actually, my first car was a 94 Civic, five speed.  That is probably almost identical to what Alyvia will drive.  We cannot expect her or Mason to fund themselves through high school, and most definitely any earlier than that.  My job is important in that aspect.

They love me, regardless.
A sweet friend reminded me that even though you miss them throughout the day, and think they are so devestated that you aren't with them every second every day, they don't always express it.  They enjoy socializing with other kids and people.  And depending on the day, they may love when you pick them up, or pout (which is what Mason does most of the time).  Every now and then, Alyvia will get emotional and express she misses me.  Every now and then, Mason will not want me to leave him at the sitter.  But 99.9% of the time, they kiss me goodbye with smiles on their faces and go on with their day.

They are taken care of.
Whether it be our sitter, or my in-law's, or my side of the family - when I am gone, they are loved almost just as much by them as they are by me.

I know they will grow up to be proud of me.
Regardless of what I do.  Stay home.  Work.  Become a chief, or just a supervior.  A Stripper.  (KIDIDNG!)  I do it for them.  They will grow up to know that.

Retirement.
It's become almost nonexistant in some cases.  When I get to retire at the young age of 50, it will be more convenient than not to have my retirement and Devon's.  We will travel, the kids will be old enough and out of the house.  We won't have to necessarily stress about it.

I will miss things, but not everything.
I am lucky enough to accumulate paid time off, which will increase the longer I stay at my current job.  I will bust my buns to make sure I am present at all their important concerts, games, play dates, etc.

...And yet, there is still a huge part of me that wants so much to wake up every day, stay in my PJs if I wanted to, craft, make messs, kiss, snuggle, play.  There will also be days full of more discipline, tears, and screams.  I just want to know that I am doing the right thing.

Down the road, when Alyvia gets married the perfect man, graduates from college, or just brings home a good report card.  When Mason wins a race (he loves four wheelers), stands up for his sister, holds the door for his date.  When our bun learns to hug and give kisses, say first words, apologizes when needed. When I look back and remember all of those things, those little things, they will serve as my reminder that no matter what road we took, we took a good one.

WMG (Working Mom Guilt).

I have always been proud of my job.  How patient I was leading up to finally getting it; how determined I was to get it; how absolutely fortunate I was to have an opportunity to be so, so young and have such a well-paying, stable job.  It’s not every day that a teen mom doesn’t become a statistic; working for just more than minimum wage, maybe trying to get through school, and all too often without a significant other.  I was proud to not be a statistic.

Not a day goes by though that my subconscious does not give me some kind of guilt trip, some kind of hammering on my heart that reminds me how much I miss out on.  Not only me, but Devon too.  It was a little easier with just one, when we only had Alyvia.  Aside from working, every second of our spare time was devoted to her, and only her.  When Mason came along, I was only working part time for a few months, and deep down I loved it because I was able to spend SO much time with BOTH of them.  We knew though that in order to have the things we need to have, I needed to get a permanent, full time job.  And thank goodness I did.

We have always been so fortunate to have the best sitters.  Not everyone has that opportunity or luxury.  For that, I will always be grateful.

Still though, every day, I leave a huge part of my heart behind for ten hours.  I wonder what new things they’ll learn, say, do.  What they’ll have for lunch, if they napped well, if maybe we could have gone to the park together that day.  If I should be the sole person to teach them their letters, numbers, and prepare them for school.  If I should be the one to drop them off at preschool, put them on the bus, give them a piece of chocolate for finishing their meals all day.  I will miss PTA meetings, class parties, parent-teacher conferences.  And with a new baby on the way, possibly even first words, first steps, and that special snuggle time they long to have when they are just a few months old.

It wasn’t until my extremely hard working, I’ll-do-whatever-I-have-to-do-to-support-us husband got a new job, and a quick promotion that the thought of maybe, possibly staying home, maybe only working part-time, crossed my mind.  It wasn’t until we got caught up, finally caught up on our debts that I wrote down to prove that hey, we may be able to do it.  It wasn’t until last night that I was in tears, torn between which way my path would take me, which decision would I be able to make in the future.  If a year from now, that’s the route we decided to take, would I feel totally guilty about not having more extra money around?  Would I feel totally, dreadfully guilty that my husband worked 12 hours a day most days and I got to soak up the sweetness (or unsweetness) of our three beautiful, wild, keep-me-on-my-toes children?  Could I balance the saving we needed to do in the summer to get through winter?  Could I find it in my heart to part ways with my warmhearted, kind, selfless sitter who lives just around the corner?  The grocery budget, would I be able to get that right?  Would I regret it, and wish I could have kept my job?

i don't friggin know.

So for now, I’ll pray, work, soak up what I can, and continue to discuss the options with D.  I’ll talk to my kids; maybe they’ll give me the answer I need.  We have lots of time to figure it out.

I think.