(trying to) Turn a Page.

I have had a terrible time lately deciding what it is I need to be a better mom.  Count to ten? More spanking? Less spanking? Walking away? Taking things away? I have no clue.   But I do know that the challenging nights were becoming more and more common, as was the yelling which then prompted more tears from the kids, and myself.  I didn’t know where to turn.

I started reading a book by Joyce Meyer called The Confident Mom.  Let’s be honest, I don’t always have time to read a chapter every night, but when I do, it does help.  But I am still not there.  I am still not to a point where I am confident in my decisions as a parent.  Mostly discipline.  But I need more direction in every aspect of being a mom.  So today, I chose to listen to a sermon on a podcast while working.  It started to go in a direction that made me entirely too uncomfortable, but right before I decided to exit out of that podcast, a subject was brought up that made me stay.  The absence of a father.  Although I am not blaming any one person here, it does still affect me, and even more so now that I don’t necessarily have a healthy relationship with my mom either.

The absence of either one, whether you want to admit it or not, affects your entire life.  If you’re like me; grow up putting all feelings on the backburner and then getting run over with them like a freight train when I marry and have kids myself; it hurts more now than I ever expected it to.  This pastor said something along the lines of that us kids who have absent parents who grow up and  get married unintentionally put the pressure of filing that burden on our spouse.  We expect them to be the total opposite, and end up pushing them away.  Nothing is ever good enough, even if you tell them it is, deep down you are telling yourself you want more.

And with this comes putting even more pressure on yourself to be a better parent.  When in reality, we have no friggin idea how to.  I struggle with both of these every single day.  It is so hard to sit here and admit that most of the time, I don’t know which way is up.  I am not confident in any decision I make.  And in the end, I not only hurt myself, but my kids, and my spouse.  It is a toxic environment from the day you are brought into this world, and you have NO idea how to get out, even when given all the sources.

‘Whether children detest or desire faith, it will be determined in the home.’  I was never given any example of any type of faith; relationships, decisions, a way of living, etc.  I live what I was taught.

With our third and final baby due in just 11 weeks, I will be damned if I let it control my life, especially my parenting, anymore.  I do not have to be a product of my environment anymore.  I owe it to myself to live genuinely happy without this burden I have been carrying and blaming for 25 years.  It’s time to establish faith in my life, and myself.

Stay tuned.