The Last Few Weeks.

36 weeks pregnant today.

I have been psyching myself out… one day I convince myself she will be here sooner than expected, the next I hate the world and loathe the fact that it still could be 28 days.

And then I think just how quickly all of this, all of life, happens.

This July, D and I have been together seven years. SEVEN. Our fourth wedding anniversary is next Thursday and even THAT to me is a huge deal. Don’t you remember being in high school, dating a dude you were ‘destined’ to be with and thinking to yourself and telling your friends that seven months of dating was such a long time? Yep, that was me. We have lived life a little backwards. But normal is boring. On our first dating anniversary, we found out we were pregnant with A. I remember ‘knowing’, but talked myself out of believing it. I finally took a test, and yes, threw it at him. We survived.

Shortly after we married, we got pregnant again. I, again, convinced myself that we were ready for another. And to be honest, I don’t think you can ever be totally ready. I mean, what in the world could possibly prepare you for sleepless nights, sick babies, financial struggles, snot covered faces, running low on diapers; first steps, first words, first I love yous. Let me tell you- NOTHING. Nothing can prepare you for any of that. No one could ever possibly explain to me the reward, the struggle, the ANYTHING to get me prepared for being a parent.

And now we’re here. The last few weeks and days of our very last babe. As miserable as I am, as much as I want it to fly by, I remember that it all really does fly by. I kick myself for not being able to recollect every single thing leading up to now.  But that’s life. That alone should teach us to savor, linger and enjoy more than we fret, worry and stress.

Let me tell you, I am trying. I struggle every day, but I know it’s normal and I know it’ll get easier the more a practice it.

Here’s to 28 more days until our lives change for the third and final time by welcoming our last baby. This, like everything else, will become nothing more than a memory.

YOU DID IT.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

The people who come and go; the hardships and triumphs you experience; those who hurt you; those who come into your life to prove that you are worth loving; financial struggles; babies; those genuinely good people that show up in your life to make it easier. It is all a part of life’s lessons.

I am 25 years old and here to tell you, all those circumstances you never thought you would get through? You do. You get through them and it all plays a significant role in your story.  You learn to let go of those bitter feelings over time, realizing that you cannot control what others say and do to you. You learn what’s important; your biggest dreams and working towards those, whether it’s building a mansion, owning a business, having a big family, or none of these. There are good people in this world who genuinely care for you and your well-being. Like my sweet sitter who knew I had a rough evening last night, and dropped off not one, but TWO Strawberry/Banana side-by-side milkshakes to cheer me up. I joke with D all the time and threaten to move in with her. ;) A random text from a friend, just letting you know that they are thinking about you. A spouse who works hard and is also a good father, and no matter how long you are together, never fails to make you laugh. Birth. Seeing the being you created for the first time. Finishing a marathon. Quitting a bad habit. All of these things are the smallest, yet most significant. Those days you thought you would never get through? These small, significant things happen to remind you, “hey, dude, you did it. And it was all worth it.” But you have to have the will power, self-respect, and appreciation of yourself and all these things to get all of their value.

 So wake up tomorrow with a new attitude. Take that first breath in the morning and smile. You did it. And you rocked that bish.

(trying to) Turn a Page.

I have had a terrible time lately deciding what it is I need to be a better mom.  Count to ten? More spanking? Less spanking? Walking away? Taking things away? I have no clue.   But I do know that the challenging nights were becoming more and more common, as was the yelling which then prompted more tears from the kids, and myself.  I didn’t know where to turn.

I started reading a book by Joyce Meyer called The Confident Mom.  Let’s be honest, I don’t always have time to read a chapter every night, but when I do, it does help.  But I am still not there.  I am still not to a point where I am confident in my decisions as a parent.  Mostly discipline.  But I need more direction in every aspect of being a mom.  So today, I chose to listen to a sermon on a podcast while working.  It started to go in a direction that made me entirely too uncomfortable, but right before I decided to exit out of that podcast, a subject was brought up that made me stay.  The absence of a father.  Although I am not blaming any one person here, it does still affect me, and even more so now that I don’t necessarily have a healthy relationship with my mom either.

The absence of either one, whether you want to admit it or not, affects your entire life.  If you’re like me; grow up putting all feelings on the backburner and then getting run over with them like a freight train when I marry and have kids myself; it hurts more now than I ever expected it to.  This pastor said something along the lines of that us kids who have absent parents who grow up and  get married unintentionally put the pressure of filing that burden on our spouse.  We expect them to be the total opposite, and end up pushing them away.  Nothing is ever good enough, even if you tell them it is, deep down you are telling yourself you want more.

And with this comes putting even more pressure on yourself to be a better parent.  When in reality, we have no friggin idea how to.  I struggle with both of these every single day.  It is so hard to sit here and admit that most of the time, I don’t know which way is up.  I am not confident in any decision I make.  And in the end, I not only hurt myself, but my kids, and my spouse.  It is a toxic environment from the day you are brought into this world, and you have NO idea how to get out, even when given all the sources.

‘Whether children detest or desire faith, it will be determined in the home.’  I was never given any example of any type of faith; relationships, decisions, a way of living, etc.  I live what I was taught.

With our third and final baby due in just 11 weeks, I will be damned if I let it control my life, especially my parenting, anymore.  I do not have to be a product of my environment anymore.  I owe it to myself to live genuinely happy without this burden I have been carrying and blaming for 25 years.  It’s time to establish faith in my life, and myself.

Stay tuned.

Updates, shmupdates

Alyvia:
Turning 5 came and went.  The past month or so, she has been an eating, sleeping machine.  Yesterday, the chick took a four hour nap AND still went to bed at 830p.  We just recently registered her for Kindergarten which will be all day.  It makes me somewhat nervous because she still takes such good naps... I am curious how she will adjust.  TBall has begun and she is on a team full of boys and one other girl.  Hopefully they can toughen her up a little.  I really do not know where she gets her sassy, love for princess, all things girly attitude.  Although it is cute, it secretly drives me bonkers.  She is kicking PreK in the booty; graduation is just around the corner.  Her newest ventures are constantly drawing or doodling.  She loves to write her letters over and over again, and then pretend it tells a story.  Keep on dreamin', darlin'.

Mason:
He is a ball of energy.  Boys are SO different.  He is constantly on the go, his Daddy's shadow; dancing, playing, jumping, wrestling.  His favorite color is orange.  Everything is orange, no matter what color it really is.  He loves all things motorcyle, quad, tractor and truck.  We are in the middle of potty training.  It is going pretty well, I am just used to how simple it was with Alyvia.  He is just as big as her and as always, has the best giggle.

Emery and Momma:
We have crossed quite a few things off our to-do and to-get lists.  We just purchased her swing.  Per Mason, we had to set it up immediately.  He helped me put it together and quickly put a baby in it.  He watched with pure awe, picturing his very own little sis rocking in it.  Talk about a full heart.  Alyvia knows very well when she will arrive.  We talk about her every day as if she were already here.  Can I tell you that being pregnant with two kids is so exhausting.  BEYOND.  I would much rather juggle three kids than be incubating one while caring for two.  I guess I can't really have one without the other, huh?  I will be 28 weeks Friday!  My next appointment is Monday (glucose).  I am kind of behind on appointments, but I also feel like I am there all the time.  We tour Dublin Methodist next weekend, and I hear it is gorgeous.

Other news:
D and I decided that this time next year, we will take a punch at reselling, buying a few acres, and building.  He needs space to do what he wants to do, and we are slowly, but surely outgrowing our first home.  Bittersweet.  We have so many dreams and plans, which we have discussed a lot lately.  I have finally accepted that I need to do one thing at a time and right now, welcoming our last baby, focusing on our girl starting school, paying some things off and being thankful for the now is exactly what we need.  I drive him bonkers, but I just wouldn't be me if I didn't. :)

Denial.

It's the last week of March.
Christmas, New Year's, Birthdays.. they have came and went.
Spring is here.

I am two days shy of 25 weeks pregnant.
My girl registers for Kindergarten next Friday.
Mase will be three just a week after we welcome Miss Emery.
Which is only 15 friggin weeks away.

My kids and  belly... they are all growing.
The nights are becoming restless for me.
I need to do this, and do this, but this first, but I just wish I could sleep.  Are we ready?  Is D ready?  Are we ok?  I forgot to brush the kids' teeth.  How much house can we afford when we are ready to sell?  What should we put in the kids' Easter baskets this year?  I wish I had my own support system.
I wish I could take more than 7 weeks off.  I wish I could just stay home, period.  Or not.  Maybe part time.  But I love our sitter.  I need to pee.

Devon has been at his current job for a year already.
A year of adjustments, a year of blessings.
Soon, the flowers will bloom and everyone will be complaining that it is too hot.

Soon, very soon, our family will be complete.
It is all happening too fast.
I am in utter denial.

(A little over) HALFWAY THERE!

Baby number three will be here in less than 19 weeks.  Our last sweet, spunky, fun, challenging, beautiful little heathen will be here so. friggin soon.

Mommy update: I am finally popping out. For the longest time, you could barely tell I was pregnant.  Today I found out my blood pressure is extremely low, so that would obviously explain my dizzy spells and light headedness.  I have put on 20 pounds already.  Yikes.  My girls are sore all the time and I am trying to do squats and calf raises three times a week to keep a presentable booty.  I really, really want more intimate maternity photos this time around.  It’s our last one, and I want to go out with a bang in a sense. Cravings are salads, ice cream, and cereal.

Emery update: She is almost a whole pound – 14 ounces.  Her heart rate is 142 and she is an active little booger.   Daddy got to go to the ultrasound today and that filled my heart.  Her little profile is so perfect.  She is measuring 21 weeks 4 days.

Mason’s pregnancy was an emotional one.  The whole 40 weeks I was a hot mess.  I have been doing a much better job handling it all.  This week it has really hit me… all those emotions, about everything.  I don’t even know where to start.

Alyvia brought home three outfits for Emery yesterday.  She went shopping with Granny and asked if she could get something for her baby sister.  It is so humbling to know that she already thinks of her so often, wanting to include her in so many things.  She has the biggest heart.

This Saturday we will be purchasing baby furniture…from Ikea!  We are finishing up our bedroom this week.  She will be sharing with us for a bit, and if we decide to put off selling our home more than a year, we will transition Alyvia’s room for sharing.  It will be fine either way, I know it will, but I want to give my kids everything I didn’t necessarily have.  Including a stable home and their own rooms.  Everyone has their own opinion on this, but it’s always going to be the way I feel.  We will get there with patience and a plan.

Here’s to 18+/- weeks!  EEEK!

I Am Full.

Refreshed is what comes to mind after this past weekend.

We live pretty busy lives.  Between D’s hours, me working, the weekdays just seem to not really count towards the important things like spending quality time together; instead they count towards the, you know, house-work-running-around-like-a-chicken-with-your-head-cut-off, unimportant things.  The evenings just really get away from us, so they are usually off limits for anything ‘extra’.

Saturday consisted of new shoes and a day out with no particular reason other than spending time together, which was exactly what we needed.  We haven’t done that in a very long time; I forgot how enjoyable it can be.

Sunday we finally got to visit friends at their new home, where we had ice cream cake, pizza, laughs, and made messes. Oh, and tried to catch a wolf.  Don’t ask.

I feel like the past few weeks I have really adjusted my goal to just enjoy the ride.  My brain is usually consumed with what we have to do, what could go wrong, what we need to plan, what is planned, etc. etc, ETC.  I too often forget that life happens every day and I need to appreciate and enjoy every ounce of it.

I am so blessed to have a marriage that I am happy to say has gotten so much better, kids who I love to love every single day, a home that is our home, and friends who we can connect with (or make fun of, or just stuff our faces with) on a personal and laid back level.

All of that being said, we have reached the halfway mark of our last pregnancy.  We DO have a lot to do, but I am going to ENJOY getting everything done.  I am going to soak up these last twenty weeks, most of the days will be spent accommodating to every other mom duty I already have, which is totally fine by me.  This spring and summer will fly while we enjoy watching our oldest play another year of TBall, go camping, creep up on our boy turning three, swim, play, and take joy rides in the Jeep.

I mean. Think about it.  Do you really, I mean REALLY take the time to enjoy the life you live?  It is so fulfilling.  We all need to make this a priority.  ENJOY THE RIDE.

XO