And then there were five.

Emery Paige has been here almost six whole weeks. It has flown by in some aspects, others it has been as slow as molasses. Nevertheless, she is perfect. Our third piece of heaven. A lot has happened since I have been on maternity leave, and I will write about that later. But for now, I need to vent in a sense. No matter how many kids you have, you learn the old and new processes all over again. Ya know, dirty diapers, burping, rocking, consoling. But when you have multiples, and depending on what stages in life they are at, some things can be extremely harder than others. So far, I have learned this: - Little Brothers are pests. Adorable, annoying, hilarious, rotten pests to older sisters. I know I should have expected this, but it has been a while since I have lived with my younger brothers. Poor Alyvia gets a run for her money. - A five year old little girl can have a 14 year old teenage attitude. LET ME TELL YOU, she is just like me. And rolls her eyes? Already? LORD HELP ME. - I have yet to wear a pair of regular jeans anywhere. When I was pregnant, I bought a size or two up from the size I was prepregnancy, and although they are big now, I am not ready to attempt to put normal ones on. My poor husband sees me in sweats every single day. Sorry, babe. It's the easiest thing to wear right now, and I'm ok with it until further notice. - Going from two to three has been overall easier than one to two. I mean, I'm already up wiping someone's butt, fixing someone's food, cleaning someone's mess, whats another thing to do? Seriously though, it hasn't been too bad, at all. - I am struggling more now with my image than I ever have. I want to be back to where I was, and I want it now. I am learning that it's going to take two times more 'work' than it has before. - Laundry, it's never ending. - And some days, you just have to go with the flow more than others. Life with three, our family of five... it's interesting to say the least. But I am more full than ever.

Our Last One.

Today, I went to my very last baby appointment. Not just for this baby. Forever.

Three babies are just right for us. Zone defense? Not a prob. ;) I have faith we can do it.

The emotions are slowly sneaking up on me, though. I will never hear a little heartbeat on the Doppler again, experience the anticipation of ‘boy or girl’, buy another crib, and in a short year we will forever get rid of the infant car seat.

I will never feel the kicks again; as uncomfortable as they are at this point, it is pretty damn awesome that there is a human alive and moving inside of my stretched out, uncomfortable, stretchmark covered belly.

Newborn diapers will quickly disappear. The sweet smell of baby soap on a brand new baby. Relaying the excitement of a new baby to our other kids… this is the last.

At 5AM, July 10^th, as long as this little booger stays put before then, we will welcome the final one.

The Last Few Weeks.

36 weeks pregnant today.

I have been psyching myself out… one day I convince myself she will be here sooner than expected, the next I hate the world and loathe the fact that it still could be 28 days.

And then I think just how quickly all of this, all of life, happens.

This July, D and I have been together seven years. SEVEN. Our fourth wedding anniversary is next Thursday and even THAT to me is a huge deal. Don’t you remember being in high school, dating a dude you were ‘destined’ to be with and thinking to yourself and telling your friends that seven months of dating was such a long time? Yep, that was me. We have lived life a little backwards. But normal is boring. On our first dating anniversary, we found out we were pregnant with A. I remember ‘knowing’, but talked myself out of believing it. I finally took a test, and yes, threw it at him. We survived.

Shortly after we married, we got pregnant again. I, again, convinced myself that we were ready for another. And to be honest, I don’t think you can ever be totally ready. I mean, what in the world could possibly prepare you for sleepless nights, sick babies, financial struggles, snot covered faces, running low on diapers; first steps, first words, first I love yous. Let me tell you- NOTHING. Nothing can prepare you for any of that. No one could ever possibly explain to me the reward, the struggle, the ANYTHING to get me prepared for being a parent.

And now we’re here. The last few weeks and days of our very last babe. As miserable as I am, as much as I want it to fly by, I remember that it all really does fly by. I kick myself for not being able to recollect every single thing leading up to now.  But that’s life. That alone should teach us to savor, linger and enjoy more than we fret, worry and stress.

Let me tell you, I am trying. I struggle every day, but I know it’s normal and I know it’ll get easier the more a practice it.

Here’s to 28 more days until our lives change for the third and final time by welcoming our last baby. This, like everything else, will become nothing more than a memory.

YOU DID IT.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

The people who come and go; the hardships and triumphs you experience; those who hurt you; those who come into your life to prove that you are worth loving; financial struggles; babies; those genuinely good people that show up in your life to make it easier. It is all a part of life’s lessons.

I am 25 years old and here to tell you, all those circumstances you never thought you would get through? You do. You get through them and it all plays a significant role in your story.  You learn to let go of those bitter feelings over time, realizing that you cannot control what others say and do to you. You learn what’s important; your biggest dreams and working towards those, whether it’s building a mansion, owning a business, having a big family, or none of these. There are good people in this world who genuinely care for you and your well-being. Like my sweet sitter who knew I had a rough evening last night, and dropped off not one, but TWO Strawberry/Banana side-by-side milkshakes to cheer me up. I joke with D all the time and threaten to move in with her. ;) A random text from a friend, just letting you know that they are thinking about you. A spouse who works hard and is also a good father, and no matter how long you are together, never fails to make you laugh. Birth. Seeing the being you created for the first time. Finishing a marathon. Quitting a bad habit. All of these things are the smallest, yet most significant. Those days you thought you would never get through? These small, significant things happen to remind you, “hey, dude, you did it. And it was all worth it.” But you have to have the will power, self-respect, and appreciation of yourself and all these things to get all of their value.

 So wake up tomorrow with a new attitude. Take that first breath in the morning and smile. You did it. And you rocked that bish.

(trying to) Turn a Page.

I have had a terrible time lately deciding what it is I need to be a better mom.  Count to ten? More spanking? Less spanking? Walking away? Taking things away? I have no clue.   But I do know that the challenging nights were becoming more and more common, as was the yelling which then prompted more tears from the kids, and myself.  I didn’t know where to turn.

I started reading a book by Joyce Meyer called The Confident Mom.  Let’s be honest, I don’t always have time to read a chapter every night, but when I do, it does help.  But I am still not there.  I am still not to a point where I am confident in my decisions as a parent.  Mostly discipline.  But I need more direction in every aspect of being a mom.  So today, I chose to listen to a sermon on a podcast while working.  It started to go in a direction that made me entirely too uncomfortable, but right before I decided to exit out of that podcast, a subject was brought up that made me stay.  The absence of a father.  Although I am not blaming any one person here, it does still affect me, and even more so now that I don’t necessarily have a healthy relationship with my mom either.

The absence of either one, whether you want to admit it or not, affects your entire life.  If you’re like me; grow up putting all feelings on the backburner and then getting run over with them like a freight train when I marry and have kids myself; it hurts more now than I ever expected it to.  This pastor said something along the lines of that us kids who have absent parents who grow up and  get married unintentionally put the pressure of filing that burden on our spouse.  We expect them to be the total opposite, and end up pushing them away.  Nothing is ever good enough, even if you tell them it is, deep down you are telling yourself you want more.

And with this comes putting even more pressure on yourself to be a better parent.  When in reality, we have no friggin idea how to.  I struggle with both of these every single day.  It is so hard to sit here and admit that most of the time, I don’t know which way is up.  I am not confident in any decision I make.  And in the end, I not only hurt myself, but my kids, and my spouse.  It is a toxic environment from the day you are brought into this world, and you have NO idea how to get out, even when given all the sources.

‘Whether children detest or desire faith, it will be determined in the home.’  I was never given any example of any type of faith; relationships, decisions, a way of living, etc.  I live what I was taught.

With our third and final baby due in just 11 weeks, I will be damned if I let it control my life, especially my parenting, anymore.  I do not have to be a product of my environment anymore.  I owe it to myself to live genuinely happy without this burden I have been carrying and blaming for 25 years.  It’s time to establish faith in my life, and myself.

Stay tuned.

Updates, shmupdates

Alyvia:
Turning 5 came and went.  The past month or so, she has been an eating, sleeping machine.  Yesterday, the chick took a four hour nap AND still went to bed at 830p.  We just recently registered her for Kindergarten which will be all day.  It makes me somewhat nervous because she still takes such good naps... I am curious how she will adjust.  TBall has begun and she is on a team full of boys and one other girl.  Hopefully they can toughen her up a little.  I really do not know where she gets her sassy, love for princess, all things girly attitude.  Although it is cute, it secretly drives me bonkers.  She is kicking PreK in the booty; graduation is just around the corner.  Her newest ventures are constantly drawing or doodling.  She loves to write her letters over and over again, and then pretend it tells a story.  Keep on dreamin', darlin'.

Mason:
He is a ball of energy.  Boys are SO different.  He is constantly on the go, his Daddy's shadow; dancing, playing, jumping, wrestling.  His favorite color is orange.  Everything is orange, no matter what color it really is.  He loves all things motorcyle, quad, tractor and truck.  We are in the middle of potty training.  It is going pretty well, I am just used to how simple it was with Alyvia.  He is just as big as her and as always, has the best giggle.

Emery and Momma:
We have crossed quite a few things off our to-do and to-get lists.  We just purchased her swing.  Per Mason, we had to set it up immediately.  He helped me put it together and quickly put a baby in it.  He watched with pure awe, picturing his very own little sis rocking in it.  Talk about a full heart.  Alyvia knows very well when she will arrive.  We talk about her every day as if she were already here.  Can I tell you that being pregnant with two kids is so exhausting.  BEYOND.  I would much rather juggle three kids than be incubating one while caring for two.  I guess I can't really have one without the other, huh?  I will be 28 weeks Friday!  My next appointment is Monday (glucose).  I am kind of behind on appointments, but I also feel like I am there all the time.  We tour Dublin Methodist next weekend, and I hear it is gorgeous.

Other news:
D and I decided that this time next year, we will take a punch at reselling, buying a few acres, and building.  He needs space to do what he wants to do, and we are slowly, but surely outgrowing our first home.  Bittersweet.  We have so many dreams and plans, which we have discussed a lot lately.  I have finally accepted that I need to do one thing at a time and right now, welcoming our last baby, focusing on our girl starting school, paying some things off and being thankful for the now is exactly what we need.  I drive him bonkers, but I just wouldn't be me if I didn't. :)

Denial.

It's the last week of March.
Christmas, New Year's, Birthdays.. they have came and went.
Spring is here.

I am two days shy of 25 weeks pregnant.
My girl registers for Kindergarten next Friday.
Mase will be three just a week after we welcome Miss Emery.
Which is only 15 friggin weeks away.

My kids and  belly... they are all growing.
The nights are becoming restless for me.
I need to do this, and do this, but this first, but I just wish I could sleep.  Are we ready?  Is D ready?  Are we ok?  I forgot to brush the kids' teeth.  How much house can we afford when we are ready to sell?  What should we put in the kids' Easter baskets this year?  I wish I had my own support system.
I wish I could take more than 7 weeks off.  I wish I could just stay home, period.  Or not.  Maybe part time.  But I love our sitter.  I need to pee.

Devon has been at his current job for a year already.
A year of adjustments, a year of blessings.
Soon, the flowers will bloom and everyone will be complaining that it is too hot.

Soon, very soon, our family will be complete.
It is all happening too fast.
I am in utter denial.