Here's the thing.

Mistakes. We all make them. Some more than others. Some more extreme than others. It is a given, we are human. I will be the first to admit mine. It took me a long time to be able to be 'ok' with doing that. But without admittance, there is no self-forgiveness or moving forward. I made mistakes long ago, ones that hurt someone I loved, and I fought hard not to be that person ever again. Babies. My three sometimes feels like 3 million. There are days when I think, there is just no way I am cut out for this. I had my first at 19, and as hard as it is being a mom, she saved me. Then number two and three came along. SHEWEEE. Parenting is not for the weak. And in all honesty, especially lately, I feel weak. Marriage. There is nothing in this world that can prepare you for it. The ups, the downs. Communication, disagreements, different perspectives. You can read every self help book, dive in the bible and try to love like God, but God also gave us free will. The enemy sneaks in daily, and sometimes, it's too late to fan out a fire. Baggage. I did not know the weight of my baggage until I got married. And it has effected me in ways I never even imagined. From emotional and physical abuse, to neglect, to not really ever feeling 'home', to growing up entirely too fast. It hit me like a wall of bricks. Inside I was screaming, and eventually those screams came out years and years later. I never inherited the right way to love someone nor did I ever feel like I was loved. Sometimes, that is still true. Despite everything I have done wrong, I found a light. My faith has become something I am pursuing more and more. The more I do, the more peace in my heart I have about the kids' and my future. The best part about scewing up, is God's grace. Is that, He will meet you right where you are. About a month ago, I worked up the courage to kneel at the alter and just give it all to Him. Right now, my path is messy. It's everywhere one minute and feels like its going nowhere the next. But I know He is with me. I know that I am forgiven, and I don't have to keep feeling guilty about things I can't change. What matters is what I do as I move forward, as I have been moving forward. My changing has been very slow, but to me, that is better than staying in the same, finger pointing spot my entire life. I can do all things...through Christ who strengthens me.

to my last, not yet walking baby.

You are just about a year and a half. And I cannot even begin to explain to you how fast it has gone. It makes me so incredibly sad that I can't get those newborn days back. I get angry with myself when I think I should have savored them a little bit more. Afterall, you are our last babe. Spitfire is an understatement. Your personality is the absolute best. You love to laugh and to make people laugh. You fit right into the wrestling matches your dad holds with your older sister and brother, and sometimes, you even initiate them. The sweet smacking of your lips when you want to give a kiss, and your concerned heart when someone is upset... it makes me melt. Every day you say a little more. BYE! like a toddler hillbilly; HI! in the most high pitched voice in the world. All food is your favorite and if I let you eat all day, you would. Walking has not yet come around. You stand, you walk in between things, you push any and all things around the house like it's your business. And just holding onto one little finger of mine is all you need. But, letting go and taking off on your own has not happened yet. (Neither has sleeping through the night you booger.) The worry wart inside me sets off when I really sit and think about it. Your siblings were late walkers too... they did not take off til about 16 months. But here we are, coming up on a year and a half in this world, and it has yet to happen for you. You keep me on my toes. You bring so much joy into my life. The days are so short since you have come into our lives. And then it hits me... please don't take off just yet. I will miss hearing the thumping of your speed crawling on our floors. The giggling from your sweet little mouth when I let go of your hand, while you just stare at me like, mom... I'm totally not walking today. You pulling up on the door when you hear the garage door open when Daddy gets home. Sneaking off to the stairs and climbing up them, when you know you aren't supposed to go up without me. I will miss it all so much. I will savor these days because soon, you will be speeding for first base at your high school softball game, or running to the vault at gymnastics, or playing tag with your sister and brother. So please, don't take off just yet, my sweet babe.

A Letter to My New Mom Self

Welcome to a whole new life. You have no idea what you are doing and you never will. You will have more hard days than easy. But I am here to give you some little slices of advice: Make time for yourself. Or you will go insane. Trust me, for the longest time I didn’t. I am learning to now and although it helps, it would have been much more helpful if I started a long time ago. Do it and don’t feel guilty about it. Cut yourself some slack. I am still working on this one. I beat myself up daily. But at the end of the day, what matters is the love you share. They love you. You love them. Do better next time. It’s ok to use the TV as a babysitter twice a week. Read at least one parenting advice book. I started one then stopped. I need to start it again. It helps to see things from a different perspective. See that toy? That cute shirt/dress/whatever it may be? Yeah, you do not need to buy them something every time you go to the store. More than likely, there aren’t enough days in the month for them to wear everything you bought them. Fight the urge. Speaking of that, H&M and Walmart have the best cute, simple tees. Get them. They can be dressed up and dressed down. Baby wipes. Keep them forever. They are super versatile. Make them eat their food. Yes I said that. Do not cave to that snack. They tell you they don’t like asparagus or pepperoni or salmon, but if you offer it to them enough, they will learn to like it and you don’t waste even more food. If they don’t eat it, then they don’t get those fruit snacks. Sorry kids. Show empathy. Like I said, you will have more hard days than easy. A hug, a kiss, a snuggle after you discipline or yell heals their heart. A little bit goes a long way. Apologize when you are wrong. Lead by example as often as you can. I fail here daily. Again, what matters is that you try. Nope, you don’t need to get them what everyone else has. Practice gratitude. Swing with them. Take walks. Let them stay in their pjs if they want. Never give up on yourself.

Here's to loving AND liking each other.

Let’s not even lie. There are many days when we don’t like our spouse any more than we like the dishes piled in the sink, or any more than the sixth poopy diaper you’ve changed in one day. The minute they walk in the door, you’re like, no. It’s not a good day, everything is your fault, don’t touch me. Every other word that they say is wrong, they folded the laundry totally incorrectly, they didn’t put the right pair of pants on the baby, and they didn’t give the kids a bath with the right soap. Nope, I don’t like you today, and probably won’t tomorrow. So just leave me alone. How do we get here? Better yet, how do we get out of here? Out of this place where you know you love this person, but liking them most days becomes very hard. My answer? Back to basics. Over exaggerate. Let go. Laugh. Hold hands ALL THE TIME. On the couch, in the kitchen, in church. In the car, at your in-law’s house. At the grocery. Grab that sucker, pretend you like them that day and then you’ll realize you really do. Both need a shower? Take one together. YES, I said that. Just do it for God’s sake. Put the kids to bed at 7:30 instead of 8 and binge on junk food while watching Friday Night Lights (my choice, not his. Sorry, babe). Over exaggerate the good stuff (not the unfolded laundry or unbathed kids). Say I love you all the time, appreciate little things all the time. Hug ten seconds longer than usual. Squeeze that booty tight (even if it’s annoying sometimes). Let go of that mistake he made yesterday, three months ago, eight years ago. Let go of that damn thing and free yourself of that bitterness. Let go of the messy house and unpainted walls. If you’ve ever needed to throw those angry feelings away, do it now. If you’ve ever wanted to be happy, make it a priority. Laugh at everything that is even the least bit funny. Find your faith together; learn to do things the right way, meaning the right way for YOU. Don’t you even fret about what other people think. Your happiness will be contagious. Find people who fuel your love and everything you stand for. Love and love hard. Because in the end, that’s all you’ve got. Share it with someone that’s worth the fight.

Changes + Church + Concerts

There are so many misconceptions about marriage and relationships. Through our family, to our friends, to the media and all of Hollywood. It gets confusing. Hell, it gets frustrating. I think we usually marry for the right reasons… love. But we don’t understand that so many more things… emotions, expectations, disappointments, triumphs… aren’t exactly understood. And then when we face all or none of those things, we do not know how to handle them. We live in a world of selfishness. I want this, now. This is someone else’s fault. Apologizing, but repeating the same mistakes. And most of the time, instead of working to change ourselves (we can ALL use some improvement), we immediately demand changes from someone else. I have been in that place for a long, long time. Not with just marriage. With my childhood, and relationships with family, and even with parenting. I knew that love existed. But it wasn’t until I made a leap to reach out for help from other people and places that I really understood what love meant. I shouldn’t just say I took the leap. Dev and I both did. We started attending church almost two months ago. D’s first service he attended with me was about marriage and how it was the foundation of family. What it actually meant to love, to be selfless, to try, and to set an example for children if you had them. It hit us like a ton of bricks. That same day, I signed us up for some marriage classes taking place at that same church in hopes to learn more and to apply these lessons to our life. We were read a statistic last Sunday that simply stated families who attend church together are overall happier. Some of us may agree, some of us may not. I personally do. We already feel changes, we already communicate differently, we already love better. The most important things I have learned are 1) marriage is constant effort whether you ‘feel’ like it or not and 2) love is not just a feeling, it’s what you do. The later has had the biggest impact on me. I am not an affectionate or affirmative person. I am the last person to give a hug just because. And I am still working on it. I think it’s a lifelong learning process. Although it will never be easy, I can honestly say we feel happier as a whole…so far. Opening our lives to God, Jesus, a new church family, and basically building our beliefs from scratch has moved mountains for us. I cannot wait to continue this journey. With that, something not related at all. Miranda Lambert, we will see you on January 17th. And Mr. Sam Hunt, you as well on March 12. ;)

And then there were five.

Emery Paige has been here almost six whole weeks. It has flown by in some aspects, others it has been as slow as molasses. Nevertheless, she is perfect. Our third piece of heaven. A lot has happened since I have been on maternity leave, and I will write about that later. But for now, I need to vent in a sense. No matter how many kids you have, you learn the old and new processes all over again. Ya know, dirty diapers, burping, rocking, consoling. But when you have multiples, and depending on what stages in life they are at, some things can be extremely harder than others. So far, I have learned this: - Little Brothers are pests. Adorable, annoying, hilarious, rotten pests to older sisters. I know I should have expected this, but it has been a while since I have lived with my younger brothers. Poor Alyvia gets a run for her money. - A five year old little girl can have a 14 year old teenage attitude. LET ME TELL YOU, she is just like me. And rolls her eyes? Already? LORD HELP ME. - I have yet to wear a pair of regular jeans anywhere. When I was pregnant, I bought a size or two up from the size I was prepregnancy, and although they are big now, I am not ready to attempt to put normal ones on. My poor husband sees me in sweats every single day. Sorry, babe. It's the easiest thing to wear right now, and I'm ok with it until further notice. - Going from two to three has been overall easier than one to two. I mean, I'm already up wiping someone's butt, fixing someone's food, cleaning someone's mess, whats another thing to do? Seriously though, it hasn't been too bad, at all. - I am struggling more now with my image than I ever have. I want to be back to where I was, and I want it now. I am learning that it's going to take two times more 'work' than it has before. - Laundry, it's never ending. - And some days, you just have to go with the flow more than others. Life with three, our family of five... it's interesting to say the least. But I am more full than ever.

Our Last One.

Today, I went to my very last baby appointment. Not just for this baby. Forever.

Three babies are just right for us. Zone defense? Not a prob. ;) I have faith we can do it.

The emotions are slowly sneaking up on me, though. I will never hear a little heartbeat on the Doppler again, experience the anticipation of ‘boy or girl’, buy another crib, and in a short year we will forever get rid of the infant car seat.

I will never feel the kicks again; as uncomfortable as they are at this point, it is pretty damn awesome that there is a human alive and moving inside of my stretched out, uncomfortable, stretchmark covered belly.

Newborn diapers will quickly disappear. The sweet smell of baby soap on a brand new baby. Relaying the excitement of a new baby to our other kids… this is the last.

At 5AM, July 10^th, as long as this little booger stays put before then, we will welcome the final one.