You are enough.

It never fails.
It is such a struggle every evening.  Pick up kids, and no more than five minutes in the door, someone (or both) have sat in a time out.  For pushing, talking back, screaming at each other, for not sharing.  It's those five minutes that I dread the most.  Sure, I haven't seen you all day, so I am going to sit your ass in a timeout already.  Go ahead, make me feel like I am the worst mom, ever. What am I doing wrong here?  Why are those five minutes always the hardest?

Don't get me wrong.  They get along, most of the time.  But there is something about just getting home that sets off their "lets make mommy as mad as we can" button.  It's always one of a handful of things that results them in getting in trouble.  So why do they continue to do it? Why does A feel as if she can snatch something away from her little bro.  Why does Mase think it's ok to chase Alyvia with a screwdriver Daddy left on the counter (for over a week may I add).  Why are there STILL dishes in the sink? Didn't I do those last night?  What is the damn point in folding all this laundry when it gets unfolded by a terror of a two year old, or that will just end up on the floor in a bedroom anyway?  Mac and Cheese for dinner it is.  You know, because by this time, it's 6:30 and I don't. have. time. to make a three course meal.  Sure Mase, smear that cheese ALL OVER YOUR FACE. And put another hole in the toy basket that was only $10.  What's that? The trash bill is late and they didn't pick up our trash? Great.  I guess the smell will fit right in with these stinky dishes.  Go ahead, Alyvia, totally ignore the fact that I asked you to pick up your damn toys FIFTEEN TIMES.

I beat myself up over days like this over, and over, and over.  Why couldn' God have given me a third arm so I could read to my kids and do the dishes at the same time?  Are my kids deaf? I just need them to cooperate this ONE night.  Am I failing here?  I just feel like I am.  Like, I don't give them 100%, 100% of the time.  I can't.  My body, emotions, attitude just cannot do it every second of every day.  Is that wrong of me?  Do I need to ask for help? Why couldn't my husband be one of those dads home at 6 and still be able to pay the bills.  Do they know I love them? Am I paying enough attention?  Do they have enough books, clothes, food?  Why does THAT mom look like she has it all together- all. the. time. WHY CAN'T I?

We create these expectations based on what everyone else is doing.  Not based on your own life.  Not every kid is the same.  Not every family has the same schedule, struggles, and needs.  I need to remind myself that what I do is enough.  The mac and cheese dinner one (er, twice) a week is enough when you just can't clean up another dinner mess that night.  Reading them a book every night may be nice, but may not always happen.  Timeouts MAY happen more than you want them too.  Siblings willl bite, hit, scratch and take away.  Your trash will smell.  You will cry.  You are enough.

{Shew, I needed to vent.}

Dreaming

I remember being ten years old, always dreaming up what I wanted to be 'when I grow up'.  From a choreographer to teacher, I never really had my heart set on anything specific.  In high school, I was the newpaper editor, and front page author so I thought journalism would be a good pick.  I hated my first year of college and quickly lost interest.  One dream I always had was being a mom and having a family.  And here I am, here I have those.

I dream more now than I did ten years ago.  A short year ago, our homeownership dream became a reality, and now I am constantly dreaming more dreams.  I am always looking five years ahead, discussing with D where we'd like to be, live, have, see.  Just yesterday we were talking in the car about home updates (wood. and. tile. floors. must. happen. soon.), when I stopped myself and said 'I am so used to moving, leaving, and starting over after being somewhere a year.  Maybe that is why I get so antsy to change things around me -- like the look of our kitchen, the destination of the house we want to build in 4-5 years --  I am so used to change'.  And it is true.  I have realized that it is ok so settle down, and leave things alone for awhile.  To not HAVE to get up and go.  To just let life be.

That doesn't mean I am going to stop dreaming, planning, and doing.  Our five year plan, we want a log cabin.  Exposed walls, a woodburner, brick backsplash and a loft.  My husband will have his own shooting range in our yard, and a woodshop to curb his knack for building and making things (just like his dad).  We will have a wrap around porch, a tree house, and a sand volleyball court.  Maybe an animal or two for this kids to show in 4H.  Maybe one more baby.  Maybe a few fourwheelers.

Those dreams, to me, fill my soul with so much more energy and happiness than the dreams I had many years ago.  And this is how I know, I am going in the direction I am supposed to be.  I am where I need to be, with the people I am supposed to have.  You are never too old to dream, and it feels so good to be within reach.

What's been happenin'

Some family updates, you know I like to share!

In April, Devon started a new job.  One with benefits, more pay, and one where he has weekends off.  One where Thursday morning, he's on OT.  One where I get to sleep beside him every single night.  I don't want others to think that he "gave up" firefighting.  He still LOVES it.  He still wants to do it.  But after five years of scrambling, testing, and major bumps in the road, we needed to take a break.  For family date and movie nights, birthday parties where both of us could be present, days spent at the pool together, and more financial stability.  80 hours a week was just getting to exhausting.  And you know what? I am so proud of him.  For stepping out of his comfort zone to take even better care of us.

The kids began going to a new sitter to accomodate new schedule changes and needs for all of us.  I was a nervous wreck.  But so far, so good.  Her kids are older and I can already tell a little bit of maturity (if that's what you want to call it) has bloomed in Alyvia, and Mase, too.  She is also just as schedule oriented as I am.  THANK GOD.

Alyvia completed her first year of preschool.  We took a field trip to the zoo a few weeks ago and I was so happy I got to go.  She will be going two days a week next year, which will be her last year before she heads off to Kindergarten!  WOWZA.

Mason, who is almost 2, weighs more than our 4 year old.  He is the goofiest, sweetest kid ever.  He has picked up so many words the past month, grown two inches since November, likes to sit on the potty (but never goes!), is obsessed with shoes and his Daddy.  His skin is so sensitive in the summer - from egzema to heat rash.  I am in the process of planning his birthday party.  And I am so sad he is not my bebe anymore.

ME? Well, I am enjoying every minute.  Getting better controlling my emotions every day.  Learning to chose to be happy and positive.  I got a pretty good sized tattoo on my arm for Mother's day, my hair is currently reverse ombre, I am obsessed with neon and just...thankful.  From arguments that make me wanna run away, to hugs when I get home, I am thankful for it all.

Happy Friday!

Easier said than done.

Letting go seems to always be easier said than done.  I hate that.  I hate reading or hearing advice that 'encourages' me to let go.  And I also hate when people read and/or see those posts and automatically think 'drama queen'.  Hey- you don't know me.  You don't know my story, my hurt.  You may *think* you've read it here, but you really DON'T know.  Ok?  So before you decide to read on, if you're gonna resort to any of those thoughts, just stop reading, now.

Big events and holidays seem to be the hardest.  Seeing women my age bond and share events like Mother's Day with their mom do nothing but depress me.  I envy it.  I envy photos shared of family who are, well, supposed to be my family and only pretend to be through text messages or rare appearances.  It makes me sick.  Sometimes I think it would be easier to just let go of this anchor that seems to be drowning me, rather than keeping me afloat.  And when that thought crosses my mind, I accuse myself of being selfish of my own feelings.

What am I supposed to do? I have no damn idea.  Right now though, I am choosing to be selfish of my own feelings, because I am angry and bitter and sad.

But when I walk through the door at 5:40, I will put my feelings aside, and decide to hug my two beautiful kids, because they deserve better.

Our Plan vs. His

I am a planner.  A short and long term,  if-this-doesn't-go-a-certain-way-I-will-panic, planner.  It drives my husband nuts.  And it has started to make me a little (more) crazy, too.

For the entire (almost) six years we have been together, Devon has always worked, A LOT. He worked full-time, went to school full-time, AND had a part time job for 2 years.  Then once he graduated, he picked up another part-time job (both part-time jobs being a FF/Paramedic).  Our ultimate goal has been securing a full-time job that is able to support our living.  That search hasn't been easy and that search hasn't always resulted in our favor.

Early this year, it hit me like a brick wall.  The plan I had in my head was the single most thing that made this whole process even more frustrating than it needed to be.  It put one hundred times more pressure on Devon.  It took away so much joy. That plan, MY plan, has since become smaller and I loosened by grip.  I realized, we have always been able to make it work.  No matter the situation, no matter the circumstances, we always came out on top.

The plan we have is so insignificant to the big picture- to the plan He has for us.  Doors we never knew were there are opened; all it takes is a leap of faith and deciding to let go of the plan that you hold so tightly.  I am more relieved, more at peace, and happier with the acceptance of this.  An even bigger perk? So is my family. And so is God. 

Let Go- and Let God.

Another year older.

I turned 24 on the 13th.  At first I think, HOLY SH*T.  I AM 24.  Then a co-worker snaps me back into reality - I AM ONLY 24.  I do feel much older though.  Two babies, a home, a stable job, a husband.  I have already done so much.  And it feels SO good.  I am quite proud of myself.  Sorry if you think I'm gloating, but I am.

I shut a door to an aspect of my life that has continuously hurt me or let me down in one way or another.  That door has a peep hole though.  I know every now and then I will look back and have a bad day, I know there will be times when I am hurt again, but I have learned that I deserve better.  That peep hole will also serve as a pathway to a bridge I may cross at a later date.  I'm not ready to burn the bridge entirely.

The hubs and I have spent a lot of time lately working on some aspects in our relationship.  It has improved so much.  Number one lesson being: swallow your pride.  Although, there are situations when you won't, 99% of the time, even though it may not go down smoothly, swallowing your pride better serves your relationship.  You are a team.  No longer facing the world alone.  It is hard to face a world, with a partner, who doesn't have your back in all circumstances.  Or, they might have it, but express it in a terrible way.  We've been practicing better ways of communication, expressing appreciation, leaving the house a mess so we can sit on the couch together, and we even have an entire day to ourselves tomorrow.  SCORE.

The kids are...phenomenal.  Growing so fast.  We signed Miss A up for T Ball and she has a Hello Kitty bat to sport.  She throws lefty.  And I am so excited to be a T Ball Mom (being the ball player myself)!  She can write her name and do back flip summer saults all by herself.  Mason is a wild little thing.  He is his Daddy's shadow and it melts my heart.  He loves to dance and play Mr. Tool Man.  I couldn't ask for two better kids.

Happy Weekend, ya'll!

Making our At-Bat count.

I've been in a blogging funk.  Obvi.  But this past week, some thoughts have been weighing heavy on my heart.  Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?  This society has so many expectations.  More importantly, God does.  You do what's right.  Make good choices.  Say please and thank you, offer a helping hand, get married THEN have babies.  Those are the rules, right?  Ideally, yes.  I think.

As I kept thinking about this - what I've done right, what I've done wrong - I realized how much life is like a softball game. You hope for a home run, maybe strike out a few times, your fly ball gets caught, you hope the pitcher sends you walking.  And then, she throws you a curve ball instead.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized, it's not about that first at bat.  You get SO many chances to make RIGHT of the situation you are in.  Like, being a young mom.  Being married young.  Learning all the ins-and-outs of both of those on your own.  Because honestly? Not all of us were shown how to make it work. It's about keeping on-keepin' on when you want to give up.  We are here to reveal our character to our Ultimate Judge- the one who decides where we go when it's our last day.  It's making the inning we're in count.  Blood, sweat and tears.  The way you handle every curve ball thrown at you is a chance to show what kind of teammate you are.  Go out swinging and hope for a home run- or better yet, a grand slam.

Happy Weekend! <3>