Moving on.

I hope.

Recently, I felt like Devon and I hit rock bottom with some issues.  Just communication, rarely seeing each other because of his awful work schedule, my emotional rollercoaster, etc.  We really thought buying the house would make things 'better' for us (well, I did), because lets be honest, living with your in-laws while married with two kids is.. hard.  I kind of went into panic when they didn't.  Financial strains took place, which caused more head-butting.  I felt as if we weren't going to learn how to move passed it.  About 2 weeks ago, we had a long talk while in bed.  It was much needed, and opened my eyes to a lot.  While I was so concerned/worried about why I was hurting, and why I couldn't move on, I failed to recognize I wasn't the only one who hurt. I wasn't the only one struggling.  It made me feel like a terrible person.

But - I took it and vowed to start focusing on moving forward together.  That didn't mean forgetting or not talking about what I was going through, but remembering that he was in this relationship too, and he needed reassurance from me, just as much as I needed it from him.

I can't grasp the fact of why someone who is supposed to be there for you your entire life can just shut you out.  Especially when you are the child.  This thought was triggered from a recent confrontation because my heart was broken, again, by someone I want to just be there for me, more than anything.  I texted Devon before I confronted her, telling him I needed to do this for my sake, but after, I was moving forward.  I cannot continue to drag people down with me because of something they have no control over.  What I can do is say my peace, and move forward for not only my family's sake, but for mine.  Nothing will ever replace that love I wish I had from her, but I can make sure I don't make the same mistakes with my kids, and my husband.  I also need to remember that bad days will still creep up on me, but I cannot let it control me anymore.  That conversation saved my life.

Be happy.  Always remember, you aren't the only one hurting.  Also remember, someone is there for you.  Embrace those who love you and be better than what has broken your heart so many times.  It can always be worse.

My babies aren't babies.

This picture was of course, taken by my SIL.  We all went to a fundraiser for Children's Hospital at Lynd's Fruit Farm this past Saturday.  LOOK. AT. HOW. BIG. THEY. ARE!  It blows my mind.  Alyvia started preschool at a local church.  It is one day a week, and so good for her.  I've noticed a change in her behavior since she's started.  More patient (at times), polite, and SO GOOD at using her words instead of thaaaat whiiiiiiiiinYYY voice that us mothers all know and love. ;)  She will be F O U R in F O U R months.  I catch myself staring at her sometimes, wondering how I did so well- how did I get so, SO blessed with such a sweet, fun girl.

Mase Man.  My monkey.  He is crazy.  Walking.  Yes, I said walking.  At 14 months he finally took off.  This little man has my heart.  He is so happy and all over the place, it warms my heart.  He is signing AND saying 'all done', hello, hi, Momma and Dadda.  Sometimes, I catch him saying 'Ayaya' - Alyvia. :)  Oh, and he weighs more than her too.  He is a solid, handsome man and such a Daddy's boy.  I love it.

Watching them grow, learn and laugh- that is what I live for.  My heart is so warm knowing that I am a Mommy to these two munchkins.  Oh, I am so in love with them.

We're in!

We started moving into our house August 23rd.  Exactly two weeks ago!  It almost seems unreal.  The first entire day was painting... painting... and more painting.  We got most of it done that day and finished it off Friday late afternoon.  I love it more and more each day.  We have two living areas; the first one is rarely used, but also the first room you enter as you walk into the house.  I wanted a refreshing/happy color on most of the walls - we went with a turqousiey/blue.  I love it.  We have a backsplash in our kitchen, so we put off painting it, and the family room is directly connected to the kitchen.  I wanted warm/comfy colors, so we chose a burnt/fall orange.  I love it as well.  New carpet went in that Friday as well.  Our basement still needs new carpet, and we have yet to make time to pick out any.  The previous owners destroyed it.

Kids' rooms are fun.  Alyvia especially loves hers.  Mase's is a firetruck theme... DUH!

We've already repaired a leak, and replaced the sump pump (which we knew needed done).  My in-laws have helped tremendously through this whole, on-going process.  It is exhausting.  All we have left is miscellaneous things to put away, and I'm also having a garage sale this Saturday.

I will post before/after photos as soon as I get the chance!

It's here.

Well, tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the day we close on our first home.  This has been the most stressful experience of our life.  We started this journey in October 2011.  We knew then we needed to work on some things on our credit, and I needed to get on full time with the State.  And I did.  In December, I finally came permanent.  Some of you may know the story behind my student loans; that was our biggest hurdle.  After literally hundreds of phone calls, we finally jumped that hurdle.  We've had lenders fall through, homes not passing inspections, money blown to make things work, things repaired, switched loan types, saved a down payment in 2 months, and finally...FINALLY made it to this day.  I will cry.  I will smile.  My stomach will fill with butterflies.  I feel like tomorrow is the first day of my senior year of high school or something.  The beginning of a new chapter for my family.  I haven't lived in a home that was owned in a long, long time.  And tomorrow, it will be my - OUR - home.  Two thousand square feet to make memories in.  A breakfast bar to witness my kids grow up at.  A pool to make summer memories in.  A home.

Thank you to everyone, and I mean every single one of you, who has been there for us during this process.  You cant put a price on a happy family and happy home.

Out of Control.

My anxiety can get a little out of control sometimes.  Ok, A LOT out of control.  Today has been the worst in a while.  Literally makes me have the shakes.  It physically hurts and makes me want to cry.

I am still learning this parenting thing.  I think we all learn until, well, forever.  It is especially hard when you live in someone else's home and they have a different perspective than you.  Or whatever.  Sometimes my temper gets the best of me, sometimes I snap, sometimes I will walk away; but most of the time, I handle it.  It may not be their way, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.  It may not be the way you thought you'd handle it, but that doesn't mean it's wrong either.  When there are 100 different opinions, interruptions, criticisms coming your way more often than not, it triggers that anxiety.  Know this:  I am appreciative of EVERYTHING everyone in our life does for us.  And we make that known.  So me, losing it sometimes because I have people from all different directions telling me how I should do this/correcting what I am doing, doesn't mean that I don't love/appreciate.  It means, I am still learning.  I appreciate opinions, but there is a line between help and just making you feel like you aren't doing anything right at all.

Another anxiety trigger: knowing you're not wrong, but being told to drop it because it doesn't matter... ?  This. is. hard.  Learning to keep my mouth shut when I'm not wrong for how I feel is SO hard.  Until about 5 years ago, I things like that didn't bother me; but when I left home and had my own family, I think I saw how wrong things were back then, and it caused to much hurt/anxiety at that moment.  And now, I cannot let go, because before then, I always did.  I cannot just let things go.  I think most of the reason is because I would never want my kids to think that they are wrong for feeling the way they feel.  And because, well, your feelings aren't wrong.  I was told my senior year by a teacher to never apologize for your feelings.  Truth.  And I won't.

I am also having SO much anxiety during this home loan process.  It is so back and forth; and we want more than anything to have our own home.  THAT isn't wrong either.  So me, counting down the weeks until we are in our home, doesn't mean my life is "bad".  It means, we cannot wait to be in our own home.

This anxiety needs help.  I need help.  I think I am just so overwhelmed with everything right now, on top of being on the defense 24/7, it is at it's peak.  I hope and pray that once we're in our home it will slowly get better.  But I also need to learn it's ok to seek help.  I will get there...

Happy Birthday, Monkey Man!

Happy First Birthday to our handsome, crazy, sweet little guy!  I cannot believe you have been in our lives for a year already!  There sure is something special about a Momma-Son bond. You melt my heart every single day! Momma loves every single inch of your cuteness, every single one of your giggles, and I will love you every single day, forever!



Shake it Off.

I have the worst trouble just accepting things; just letting things be.  Most of the time, I just can't do it.  Why are they so much better off than us? Why do we owe X this?  Why do I feel like my children are second best?  Why is it so hard for someone to apologize?  Why am I still having trouble with parenting, communicating, brushing things off my shoulder...with just everything?!

I make it so hard on myself to just enjoy the moment.  The now.  When my kid giggles in excitement, when my hubs goes out of his way to make things go in our favor, when someone else has something good happen to them.  My worry is on to the next...like it's on repeat and has no sign of stopping anytime soon.

We all have this perception of out-doing each other.  I hate it, even though I catch myself doing it.  And there are people in this world, people that I know, that do it too.  It makes living in this world so hard for a mom when all we do it compete.  We may not verbalize that we are, but honestly, we all know deep down, those are our intentions...having something better, cuter, more expensive than that other mom.

Worrying about what other people are doing or what other people are thinking about me is a big issue of mine.  I need to let it go.  LET IT GO. Who gives two shits if  my kid doesnt have what their kid does?  Who cares if they are there, and we are still here, trying to figure out where to go next?  My devotional yesterday was titled 'Shake it Off'.  Joyce Meyer smacked me in the face.  Megan, you will get to where you are supposed to be.  Just take a chill pill, for God's sake.  Seriously.

{Does a Miller Light count as a chill pill? ;)}