The Power of an Apology.

I am a product of divorce.  Two of them.  And half you you reading this probably are too.  Doesn't that make you sick to your stomach?  This society is losing sight of all morals ever established.

Yesterday was my little sister's graduation.  Something I can't believe came and went.  She will do great things, and I hope she runs with them and does what SHE wants.  That event kind of triggered these posts.  I stood in the kitchen looking at photos, begging myself not to cry because I didnt want to take the spotlight off of her day.  Those pictures captured smiles.  And a lot of those pictures I could bring back to life in my thoughts.  Our old, hyper lab Maddy.  Photos of her softball games with her missing teeth.  Photos of my wedding.  Photos of her friends.  I beat myself up all the time for not being a better sister.  I wish I could have done things different.  I wish I would have known how to do things different, but none of us did.  Between my mom working all the time to pay for sports that we wanted to play and us being in and out of the house playing those sports, it almost seemed like there wasn't time to be taught how to deal with anger and frustration.  How to deal with sadness and fear.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was in third grade. It almost seems like a movie.  I remember trying to distract my sister as things were being moved out, so she wouldn't understand like I did.  At that time, I just knew things were not good with Mommy and Daddy and we were going to try to start over, with them trying to share us.  But when you see your Mom crying, is that really what you want?  Do you want her to share you with someone who seems to be making her so upset?  I didn't.  I wanted my mom.  But deep in my heart, I wanted Dad too.  The next few years were crazy.  They tried to work it out, more than once.  I really think deep down they wanted a family, but knew that communication was a huge barrier, and so was trust.  They both had a lot of baggage.  Mom had me at 17, so growing up was a must.  Who has time to work on themselves though when you have a child to take care of?  You just want a family for them, and the rest will come along, right?  One of the last happy memories I have was going to Kings Island, with the both of them.  I was in the 5th grade and they let me take my "boyfriend".  Everyone had so much fun.  But you can't keep pushing things under the rug.  Eventually someone will have too much dust to put under there.  There was abuse.  Both ends.  Emotional and Physical.  I remember begging my mom to leave him.  I just knew that it wasnt going to work, as much as any of us wanted it to.  So, they divorced, and I chose to not have a relationship with my dad.  There is a lot of meat that I should go in place of this sentence, but it would take years for me to explain why.  I knew he had anger issues, and I just wanted to be there for my mom.  And I was.  For 18 years.

It wasnt until Christmas Eve of 2010 that I called my Dad to say I wanted to come to Christmas Eve.  And I did.  I called Devon as I was in the shower, asking him what he thought.  And then I eventually said, can you just say I support you and push me to go?  He did.  I was just 2 or so months pregnant, and Alyvia went with me too.  I took the annual letter that I always right, which broke the news that he was going to be a grandpa of 2.  This was the same day he met his first grandkid.  I am sure it was a lot for him to take in, I could see it in his face.  The next time we went over, I took Dev.  He never met him before that.  I was so nervous because he and my dad are so much the same; they say what they think and dont think twice about it.  Right off the bat, my Dad apologized.  I never heard that from him before, as far as I could remember.  He admitted he made mistakes; he admitted he should have been there; he explained why he wasn't, but acknowledged more than once that if he could have done it again, he would.  From that moment to this day, he has not done one thing to hurt me, or most importantly, my family.  He has not lied, he has not bailed on me, he has not ditched my kids because he was afraid he'd feel uncomfortable with the other people at the birthday party.  This is something I have prayed about my entire life, and for whatever reason, that Christmas Eve, a step was taken in the right direction.  I know we cannot make up for the time lost.  The little girl inside of me wishes we could.  I see Devon and Alyvia bond every day almost, and I wish I could have experienced that.  But before I get mad, the only thing I remember is the apology.  Not but's, no it wasn't my fault...just an I'm sorry.  That made the difference.

If you ask my husband, he will tell you that I do not apologize when I'm wrong.  In five years, I have whole heartedly apologized maybe 10 times.  That means, without an excuse.  A whole hearted apology does not include an excuse, especially when that excuse is something to make YOU feel better about the mistakes YOU made.  THIS is my BIGGEST struggle right now.  I wish I had the balls to publically post some of the text messages that have been exchanged between me and my mom.  People say, "you can forgive other people, but cant forgive your Mom?!"  I will tell you, every single apology Ive been given, about ANYTHING, not just the things in my recent post, has always had a BUT.  And has ALWAYS been in a text.  Or has been something along the lines of... "I have apologized before Megan."  No.  But that is what I want; no, that is what I need in order to move on in some way.  Recognition of what was wrong, and that I am allowed to hurt.  You see?  That is the difference.  It's pretty powerful.

This is a toughy.

A friend, and momma of two, kind of inspired me to post this.  Holla, Han! ;)  She doesn't just post the good stuff.  I do.  I need to remember the struggles.  Why?  It makes the triumphs THAT much more important to the heart.  So, here it is.  Balls in.

I have issues.  WHAT, you say?! ;)  Just kidding.  Many of you know I do.  Others hear it from others, and when you hear it from others, it seems like I'm just a crazy.  I promise, thats not the case...always. :)

Before I go into some of those issues, I want everyone to know, that I know everyone has issues.  I know there are people out there who have it far, far worse than I have had it.  I know this.  But if everyone dealt with things the same way, we wouldn't have suicides, depression, sour relationships.  We wouldn't learn from one another.  And that's what this is for me.  I am learning.  I've always been a writer.  For me, it comes out better on paper, er, on the web in this case.  It's almost an escape; a way to vent.  Not all of you will agree with this; some of you will say, this isn't the place.  Well, for now, it is for me.

Relationships are hard.  ANY kind.  That's what I grew up seeing.  It was always the one side I saw, perceiving the situation to be the other person's fault.  And now that I'm a mother, I know there are always two sides to every story.  Not one person is always wrong, nor right, but it's what they do to change that counts.  The hardest relationship I have right now is with my mom.  That status is, well, non-existant almost.  It hurts me.  Some people say I should let go, others totally get it.  I am, well, bi-polar about the situation.  One day I'm ok with moving on, the other, I want to light the world on fire with me pissed off-ness.  Just ask my husband.  My poor husband.  I take him on this emotional rollercoaster with me, and I am so very thankful he put his seatbelt on....for now.  He listens to every single bitch, lets me cry every single tear, and I am so very thankful for that.  But I am also angry that he doesn't really understand.  Side note:  I know he never will.  Because HE didn't, and isn't still going through it.  But he tries, until I just drive him crazy.  And then my next emotional day, he tries again.  I love him, and I don't say it enough.

Please know, that my mom isn't the worst mom in the world.  Far from it.  But there have been things said and done, and things still being said and done, that just stretch my heart as far as it can go.  It doesn't break, because I have to keep it together for my kids, even though some days it seems like I can't keep it together.  We had a roof over our head and food on the table.  Thankful.  She didn't pay for my wedding dress, like she said she had done.  Hurtful.  Even more hurtful when it was a month before my wedding.  Especially when I would see photos of her on FB, partying with kids I graduated with.  Really?  It made my stomach turn.  Where are my siblings?  Home, being monitored by my 15 year old sister?  How is that fair?  She should be the one causing trouble.  It happened over, and over, and...over.  Puke.  And when my wedding day came and went, I felt like it wasn't about me.  Especially when she didn't send out the shower invitations when she said she did.  Especially because she didn't stay for the the whole thing.  Thats what mom's do though, right?  Stay.  But she left, with friends, to go bar hopping.  The next dat, we opened gifts.  I invited her, and she had to work.  Come to find out, she was at a basketball tourney watching someone play, instead of celebrating with me. This someone I hadn't heard the best things about.  And now they have a child together.  Devon and I planned Mason.  And I can remember when I was pregnant with Alyvia and how awful some family had made me feel because we weren't married.  I was preached and preached to about so many things to NOT do, and then she ended up pregnant with someone closer to my age, and wasn't married.  While I was pregnant with my son.  Who wants to share that time with a mom who ended up in such an irresponsible state of life?  Not me.  I was angry.  I still am.  I know this is not the baby's fault.  Nor is it even a fault.  It's a...circumstance, right?  Or something that just happened, right?  But I am so angry!  That time was supposed to me about me, and MY family.  She had her time.  I couldn't even be as happy as I wanted to be.  This...baby daddy...I just didn't hear any good things about him, nor did she TRY to even introduce him to me.  He was her "friend" the ONE time I saw him at Bdubs, when he proceeded to say, "Hey I'm...(nameless because I don't want to create more drama), your Mom's friend. We met at a party, she crashed on my couch."  At this point I wasn't pregnant, so I knew she wasn't either.  We had babies on the same day, as far as I'm told.  It's just a hard, hard thing to accept.  Not the baby, but the circumstance.  How irresponsible she's been for the past 5 years.  Another BIG thing, was when I went to school.  I had to stay up there, even though I BEGGED TO COME HOME.  I hated it.  I had to stay because she said she was paying for it.  Well, that was a lie, because 2 years later, I found out my loans were in default.  Enter flames from ears here.  W T F.  This has caused SO many problems for MY family.  $10,000.  I HAD to dig myself out of that hole.  And am just seeing results, 2 more years later.  Oh, you can bet your ass I will be angry about that for the rest of my life.

What we've learned.

If you follow me on FB, you know the first house we offered on fell through.  I promise it was not our fault, at all.  Instead of giving you the details that continue to make me mad, I wanted to share what we've learned through this process.  By the way, we've already been approved again, and offered on what we hope is our home, last night!

Interest rates are awesome right now.  We didn't want to go over 5%, and we got a 4%.  Glorious.  This effects your payment so, so much.

USDA is an AWESOME program if you don't have any money to put down, or just don't want to put any down.  The home must be in a rural area, i.e., outside city limits.  Perfect for us.  We want space.

Catch, USDA does not mean you don't have to have any money saved at all.  We are first time home buyers, so that was a plus for this program, but most underwriters want to see a few mortgage payments saved.  EVEN if you are in an apartment or another home.  We didn't save in the beginning like we were supposed to, and I take blame for that.

If you aren't going USDA, FHA is 3.5% down, period.

Closing costs.  EW.  Our realtor said from the get-go, all of the contracts we put in will be asking for closing costs.  I love him for this.  Side note:  not all bank owned homes will have ALL closing costs covered.  Be prepared to come up with something for closing.

It is a buyers market.  There are SO many homes for sale though, it's overwhelming.  We've looked all over central Ohio.  Our realtor also said average time for a home to sell right now is a year.  This scares me if we decide to sell prior to ten years in our first home.  The market just isn't on a big upswing yet.

Our realtor is my Uncle.  Brownie points.

There is always SOMETHING you wont LOVE about a home.  Always.  Can you make it work? Can you make it appealing to you?  Is everything else up to your standards?  School district, driving distance, and square footage were are top priorites.  We did not want to end up somewhere we knew we would want to leave in 3 years.

Subdivisions aren't all that bad.  Land is expensive, and on top of sewage, permits, yadda yadda, it was going to be outrageous.  We had to be realistic.  And when building, money is also wanted for a down payment, usually around 10%.  BOO.

It's been a long, long process.  A long, depressing, exciting, rollercoaster of a process.  But we'll get there!

***A quick edit.  I almost forgot.  Student loans play a big role.  Well, any debt you owe.  Debt to income is a huge thing for USDA (or buying a home in general).  Even if you aren't paying on student loans (for example) because they are in deferrment, your monthly payment is still included in your debt to income ratio, mostly because you can only defer them 12 months at a time, for up to 36 months.

Nevermind...

Void the last post.  That house wasn't ours :(  We are still on the hunt and wont give up!

Big News!

I wanted to take the time to explain why purchasing a home means more than anything (other than my kids and my hubs) to me. Not many people will probably read this, but I think in the years to come, I'll come back to read this, and smile with pride.

13 is the number of times I moved by the time I was 18. Now, I know some people reading this are going to automatically assume I'm blaming someone, trying to get attention, but that's not it. And I know some people asre going to say, 'Hey, there aer homeless people out there!' Hey, I know. I drive passed them every day on the way to work and it breaks my heart.

However, this is an explaination of why I'm so beyond thrilled that we are on our way to having our own home. I've never had one. A home to me feels like HOME. One you love going to (even if it's a mess), one you love welcoming people in, one you love to fall asleep in. The closest thing I've had to a home is my grandparent's house. I lived there 3 or 4 times. I am not saying there wasn't any love where I lived. I'm saying, it just didn't feel like home. Devon and I have moved a handful of times, too. I hate moving. I want my kids to go to ONE school; not 2, 3 or 6. ONE. That is extremely important to me. I know there are circumstances when moving is needed, but until we approach those, this is what I want. We want. So, we are in-contract with our first HOME. In a school district we want, with the square footage we want, and it will be filled with what makes a house a home.

And I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Catching up!

It's MARCH! And it is beautiful outside today. Sunshine makes people happier in general, and we in Ohio have had a lot of it lately!

In February, Miss A turned 3! We had a "smaller" party with great grandparents, grandparents, and friend. It was a lot of fun. She has become this witty little woman whom I love more and more every single day. I love watching her smile, grow and learn.

Mason is almost 8 months old. WOWZA! He is our chunky monkey, and every ounce of cute. I just love him to pieces. He isn't crawling; but he is sitting up, and loves to STAND. Yikes! I don't know if Mommy's ready for him to walk so soon!

Devon finished up orientation at Madison and is now considered manpower. He loves it there. I know he'll be open to a world of opportunity. He is still at OSUMC three times a week as well.

We got pre-qualified for a USDA home loan! House hunting is in full swing and let me tell ya, I am having anxiety every step of the way. I hope we find the right one, SOON.

Updates!

I am getting the hang of working a consistant 40hrs a week, and the paychecks are nice. We will be saving about $60 a month in insurance too! Devon's schedule is a lot more consistant now too. He is regularly working at Madison every Monday until he completes his orientation book - which could take like 4-5 more months. BOO. He likes it there though, a lot. When he starts being used as "manpower" there on a normal basis, the extra income will be SO nice. He is allowed to work every sixth day when this does happen. As a part-timer, he is only allowed so many hours in a fiscal year. We are hoping (if he doesn't test and get hired on anywhere else), he will be full-time there in the next year and a half. However, I really hope Deleware tests again this summer. I know he can do it.

House hunt is at a hault. We hit a big bump in the road. Worst part is, it's not our fault. But, being responsible is part of being an adult. I truly think God wouldn't give us these bumps if he didn't think we could handle them. We are being tested and will come out of this funk successfully. We are still shooting to purchase a house in April or May, which is not too far at all.

Miss Alyvia will be THREE in just a few short weeks. Did you read that right? THREE! I cannot believe it. Her birthday party is "Pink Elmo" at her request. We are having a "smaller" party this year...close family and friends. She is SO stinkin smart. It amazes me every day. The girl puts together paragraphs all the time, can count to twenty if she really wants to, and knows her ABC's. Her newest kick is saying "Mine" about everything, but after a few back and forth "Lyvi, we need to share. I know that is your toy, but it is nice to share!" "MINE, Mommy!"...she eventually shares :)

And Mr Mase will be 6 months old in a few days. He is finally sleeping 10+ hrs at night, talks constantly, but he will not sit still long enough to sit up on his own. We're working on it! I am making baby food myself. It saves us pennies on the dollar, but I have fun doing it.

As always, we are blessed.